Before I had a looksee at my play stats of the Baku 42, I had zero expectations. What with my ever-changing moods and the bias my iPod seems to have towards particular songs when it’s on shuffle mode (I swear those things have minds of their own and will one day rise up and take control of planet Earth) there was no guarantee that the entries I rated the highest a year ago would make equally high appearances on this list. It turns out that, while some of them clawed their way up, songs that I didn’t realise I had a penchant for bumped others way down. I’ll let you decide which are which, as I present to you the 20 entries of 2012 that I’ve listened to most since May.
#1 | Love Unlimited by Sofi Marinova
If you happened to be drinking when you read this, I apologise for the liquid you just spat out all over yourself in shock and/or horror. Then again, if you’ve read me before you should know that I am probably the #1 fan of this song, worldwide. I don’t think Sofi herself loves it as much as I do (although she has had to sing it a billion times, so the boredom must have set in by now). So why have I played it more times than any other of the 2012 entries? Well, I just think it’s incredibly catchy (great to dance wildly to in the comfort of any place where there are no other humans present), I love the mixed languages in the chorus (great for singing along to in the same situation) and I find it super motivating (great for jogging to, etc). What a useful song it is.
#2 | Waterline by Jedward
#3 | Euphoria by Loreen
#4 | Zaleilah by Mandinga
#5 | Kuula by Ott Lepland
#6 | När Jag Blundar by Pernilla Karlsson
I want to compare this to Hungary ’13, being the simple, quiet and pretty but not too well-liked song that it is, that I and a few others I know LOVE. But Kedvesem has actually proved itself more popular than I expected, so you’re on your own, Pernilla. I think this song is really beautiful, well constructed and has a lovely sentiment (having been written by Pernilla’s brother for their mother and all). It gets me all misty-eyed even though I have no idea what she’s singing about because I never bothered to translate the lyrics #mybad. But they say music is the universal language, so if I can get the emotion without knowing what’s being said, that’s acceptable, right?
#7 | Love Me Back by Can Bonomo
#8 | Aphrodisiac by Eleftheria Eleftheriou
#9 | Verjamem by Eva Boto
#10 | Be My Guest by Gaitana
#11 | La La Love by Ivi Adamou
Here’s a song I didn’t think douze-worthy at first, but have gotten more and more obsessed with over the last year. It’s a good thing we’ll have this genuine Cypriot gem and the awesome stage show that accompanied it to cling on to while Despina Olympiou takes to the Malmö stage and bores us all to death (more on that in my upcoming reviews). La La Love wound up 16th in the final, which is an excellent result for Cyprus (it’s practically a win, like it would be for Austria, Switzerland, and co) although once it had qualified I was predicting it to do better. Maybe Ivi’s average vocal was to blame; though that didn’t stop Eric Saade from coming 3rd…
#12 | Quédate Conmigo by Pastora Soler
#13 | Standing Still by Roman Lob
#14 | Woki Mit Deim Popo by Trackshittaz
#15 | Nije Ljubav Stvar by Željko Joksimović
#16 | Sound Of Our Hearts by Compact Disco
#17 | We Are The Heroes by Litesound
This, even in its post-NF disco-lite version, is SO much better than the tropical trash (albeit damn catchy tropical trash) Belarus are sending this year. The unfortunate thing is that Alyona will likely be much more successful than Litesound, and then she’ll knock on their doors and point and laugh at them because they “stole” her ticket to Eurovision 2012 and she’ll have gotten her revenge. Or perhaps not. Anyway, back to We Are The Heroes: another song written expressly to motivate me when I’m on the treadmill and this close to bailing. Thanks, guys.
#18 | Nebo by Nina Badrić
#19 | Laŭtar by Pasha Parfeny
#20 | When The Music Dies by Sabina Babayeva
Rounding out my most-played list is Baku’s host entry. I have long suspected that Sabs was referring to Running Scared as the thing that made the music die. But that’s irrelevant. This isn’t my favourite entry from Azerbaijan, but it’s one I’m still liking all these months later. I didn’t think it was going to do as well as it did, but I think we’ve all learnt that the power of Azerbaijan-representing, Swedish-penned ballads cannot be underestimated.
I’ve showed you mine – show me yours? Which entries of last year have you been playing on repeat?
I don’t know about you, but I personally don’t think us grown-ups get enough opportunities to do childish things, unless we happen to work in a daycare centre (which would be fine by me if there was no kids involved). So for all of you who, like me, spend too much time wishing it was socially acceptable for a twenty-something to finger paint, hula hoop and watch movies starring Hilary Duff, I’ve put together this thought-provoking, Baku-themed quiz…complete with FILL-IN-THE-BLANKS GAMES *insert squeals here*!
This isn’t the first quiz I’ve posted, but I’d like to think this is the hardest (even if it really isn’t). It’s more a test of your memory than anything else, so if you’ve watched the contest a few times over the past year and/or read my Flashbaku recap last week, you should do alright. Not that it matters if you don’t, since there’s nothing up for grabs and nobody will be there to see you succeed or fail. Winning.
So, the only “rules” are:
– All facts have been checked to the best of my ability, and all lyrics have been verified via the official 2012 fan book. If you do spot a mistake, feel free to pick me up on it, but be nice, because it’s nice to be nice to the nice.
– You can find the answers at the bottom of the post. If you decide to cheat, fine, but be warned: Dana International WILL hunt you down and make you walk up the main street of your town wearing her feathered Gaultier.
– Let me know how you did in the comments. I managed to get 100%, but I’m guessing being the person who came up with the Qs and As had something to do with that.
Without further ado, I want to know…
a) Macedonia’s Kaliopi failed to pass the pre-qualifying round of a previous ESC with her song Samo Ti. In which year did this take place?
b) What is the real name of Max Jason Mai from Slovakia?
c) What about Donny Montell from Lithuania?
d) Željko Joksimović took to the ESC stage for the second time as composer/artist in Baku. He represented Serbia; but how many other countries has Željko composed a Eurovision song for?
e) Eventual winner Loreen had attempted to represent Sweden in 2011 via Melodifestivalen. What was her entry called?
f) How old was Rona Nishliu when she stepped onstage last year – 25, 28 or 32?
g) Which TV talent show did Ott Lepland win in his home country in 2009?
h) Which member of Pernilla Karlsson’s family wrote her entry När Jag Blundar?
i) What did Buranovskiye Babushki want to do with any proceeds from entering Eurovision?
j) Elena Ionescu fronted Mandinga in Baku. Which past Romanian representative used to be the lead vocalist of the group?
k) Which 2012 artist was once a member of the Sunstroke Project, who represented Moldova in Oslo?
l) Jedward are not known for their conservative clothing. Which snack food did they dress up as during rehearsal week?
m) Who did Roman Lob beat in the Unser Star Für Baku final to win his ticket to Eurovision?
n) Which artist purposely performed without an earpiece during her semi-final?
Unscramble these artist names:
b) IRNA OHDKAZEJ
d) CAMPCOT SOCID
f) HAAPS FREAPNY
g) NCA MOONBO
Fill in the blanks of these titles:
a) N_ _ _ _ _ u _ _ _ _ t _ _ r
b) _ h _ _ _ d’_ _ _ _ _ _ _ B_ _ _e_
c) _ _ h_ (_ _ _ _ n _ _)
d) E_ r _ _ _ _ r_
e) _ _h_ _ _ i_i_ _
f) _ _ _ la
What is the first line of lyrics in each of these songs?
a) Beautiful Song by Anmary
b) The Social Network Song by Valentina Monetta
c) You And Me by Joan Franka
d) Euphoria by Loreen
e) L’amore é Femmina by Nina Zilli
f) When The Music Dies by Sabina Babayeva
g) Would You? by Iris
And which songs do these first lines belong to?
a) ‘You can do anything you want’
b) ‘The whole big world is just one place’
c) ‘I hear music as I walk down the street’
d) ‘When the day becomes the night, you know that I’ll think of you’
e) ‘So graceful and pure, a smile bathed in light’
f) ‘When the night is falling from the sky’
g) ‘She’s singing softly in the night’
h) ‘At the wedding tonight she looks nicer than the bride’
What do these titles translate to in English?
b) Korake Ti Znam
d) Quédate Conmigo
e) Crno I Belo
f) Vida Minha
THE SHOWS AND THE RESULTS
a) What are the full names of the three hosts?
b) Name the previous contest winners who supplied the interval act of semi 2 – in order of appearance.
c) Which country was the last to be announced as a qualifier in semi 1?
d) What about semi 2?
e) Which former Eurovision hostess could be seen in the green room on Thursday and Saturday nights, providing moral support for her husband?
f) How many lots of douze points did Loreen receive in the final?
Which countries did these props belong to?
a) A bench made of books
b) A laptop computer
c) Pole-dance poles
d) A water fountain
e) A pizza oven
a) Opened the first semi final?
b) Closed the first semi final?
c) Opened the second semi final?
d) Closed the second semi final?
e) Opened the final?
f) Closed the final?
g) Won the first semi final?
h) Lost the first semi final?
i) Won the second semi final?
j) Lost the second semi final?
k) Drew the dreaded slot 2 in the final?
You know who won (and lost) but do you remember, on the final scoreboard, which country came…
Congratulations (as Cliff Richard would say if he wasn’t currently in the toilet)! You’ve made it to le end of le quiz. Now it’s time to see how you did.
Random trivia: a) 1996 b) Miroslav Šmajda c) Donatas Montvydas d) 2, technically – Bosnia & Herzegovina and Serbia & Montenegro e) My Heart Is Refusing Me f) 25 g) Eesti Otsib Superstaari, or Estonian Idol h) Her brother i) Build a church in their village j) Elena Gheorghe k) Pasha Parfeny l) Popcorn m) Ornella de Santis n) Sofi Marinova
Unscramble: a) Trackshittaz b) Anri Jokhadze c) Sinplus d) Compact Disco e) Anmary f) Pasha Parfeny g) Can Bonomo h) Gaitana
Fill in the blanks: a) Nije Ljubav Stvar b) Should’ve Known Better c) Echo (You and I) d) Euro Neuro e) Aphrodisiac f) Kuula
First lines: a) ‘I was born in distant 1980’ b) ‘Are you ready for a little chat?’ c) ‘I was five, you were three, we were dancing in the street’ d) ‘Why, why can’t this moment last forever more?’ e) ‘Unbelievable, I can’t wait to go’ f) ‘You, you are my best friend’ g) ‘Come and find me, I’ve been hiding from you’
First line, which song: a) Unbreakable b) Sound of Our Hearts c) Stay d) Love Is Blind e) Love Will Set You Free f) We Are The Heroes g) Never Forget h) Laŭtar
Title translations: a) Personal b) I know your steps c) Listen d) Stay with me e) Black and white f) Life of mine g) I believe
The Shows and The Results
Random trivia: a) Leila Aliyeva, Nargiz Birk-Petersen and Eldar Gasimov b) Dima Bilan, Marija Šerifović, Alexander Rybak, Lena, Ell & Nikki c) Ireland d) Turkey e) Jovana Janković f) 18
Props: a) Cyprus b) San Marino c) Austria d) Ireland e) Russia
Which country: a) Montenegro b) Ireland c) Serbia d) Lithuania e) United Kingdom f) Moldova g) Russia h) Austria i) Sweden j) Slovakia k) Hungary
Final scoreboard: a) Azerbaijan b) Estonia c) Moldova d) Cyprus e) France f) Hungary
So, ladies and gents…how well DID you remember Baku??
Not that there’s anything shameful about having a lookalike. In fact, if I had one I’d be honoured. But apart from my nose bearing a slight resemblance to Roberto Bellarosa’s from the right (or wrong) angle, I’m yet to stumble upon my sister from another mister. So it’s lucky I can at least live vicariously through the doppelgangers that abound in the ESC.
Having kicked off my Flashbaku series last week (with a side-splitting recap of the 2012 contest which you simply MUST read if you missed it then…pretty please?) this particular exposé of long-lost twins is naturally centered on the 42 artists who competed in Azerbaijan. There are a few included here you may remember from previous posts, or just your own observations, but the rest are brand new. Give or take a few years and/or cosmetic procedures, and these resemblances are uncanny. Kind of.
Albania’s Rona Nishliu looks like animated Snow White’s Wicked Queen
I’ll admit, I didn’t notice this resemblance until the collective Twitterverse saw fit to point it out about 0.35 seconds after Rona had opened her mouth to sing (I guess I was distracted by that errant dreadlock). But there was definitely something about her unique look that screamed ‘villainous Disney bitch not only willing, but eager, to off you and eat your heart if you happen to be prettier than she is’.
Bosnia & Herzegovina’s MayaSar looks like Australian media personality Mia Freedman
Coincidentally (or maybe not?) Maya also settled on a witchy, evil queeny-type outfit for her Eurovision performance. But when the dangerously pointed shoulder pads are nowhere to be seen, I reckon she could play Mia’s sister in a heartwarming telemovie in which one of them can’t get pregnant and the other offers to be her surrogate. Just as an example.
Cyprus’ Ivi Adamou looks like American actress Liv Tyler
Here’s one you’ve seen before; but in my opinion, there are never enough occasions on which one can say how much Ivi and Liv look like they were separated at birth. Even their first names are similar. And Ivi being Steven Tyler’s secret daughter would explain where her musical genes came from.
Estonia’s Ott Lepland looks like UK singer and X Factor judge Gary Barlow
Matching suits, facial hair, intense browlines and brands of hair gel? What more proof do you need that these two share a resemblance? I bet a morning hasn’t gone by since Baku when Gary didn’t roll out of bed, go to the bathroom to brush his teeth, see his reflection in the mirror and think to himself, ‘My God, I look a little bit like Estonia’s own Ott Lepland!’.
Greece’s Eleftheria Eleftheriou looks like former ESC hostess Maria Menounos
There’s nothing better than an inter-ESC pair of lookalikes, and to top this one off, they’re both part Greek. Maria stood alongside/flirted with Sakis Rouvas as co-compere of the 2006 contest, and Eleftheria stood alongside/probably flirted with him when she participated in Greece’s X Factor a few years ago. So it’s not just appearances that these two have in common.
Hostess Leyla Aliyeva looks like Spanish actress Penelope Crúz
Let’s face it, the only difference between Leyla and Pene is that, to my knowledge, Leyla has never cavorted around on a pirate ship with Johnny Depp. Unfortunately for her. They clearly go to the same hairdresser and dress for formal events with funerals in mind.
Iceland’s Jónsi looks like Frankenstein’s monster
I never thought I’d be comparing the chiseled magnificence of Jónsi to something made up of multiple people’s body parts, but that monster of Dr. Frankenstein’s has got some serious cheekbones on him. The likeness doesn’t stop there, however – check out the mouth, and that intense brow (again with intense brows!) AND the stiff tailoring of the suits. Don’t worry Jónsi. If you were in fact stitched together by a crazed GP then he sure chose some good-lookin’ bits to work with.
Moldova’s Pasha Parfeny looks like Irish actor Colin Farrell
This pairing rivals Ivi and Liv’s (Livi’s?) as the most striking of 2012. I can’t even say for certain that Pasha and Colin aren’t one and the same, especially since Colin is a big fan of the ladies and Pasha appeared on stage with the entire female population of Moldova. We haven’t heard much from the Irishman lately…could that be because he’s been busy composing and playing piano for Aliona Moon?
Russia’s Buranovskiye Babushki look like this set of matryoshka dolls
I bet you didn’t see this coming. NOT. We’ve all thought it – does the teeniest Russian granny fit inside the next size up, and so on? Did they only take up one plane seat on their flight to Baku because of this? Maybe we’ll never know. The grannies are 100% as cute as these wooden creations though, and much more huggable.
Slovakia’s Max Jason Mai looks like US talk-show host Chelsea Handler
Since MJM is a guy in his twenties and Chelsea is an almost-forty-year-old woman, this is more a case of the possibility that she’s his mother than anything else. They both have trademark blonde locks, although I’d have to say that Max’s are more impressive. Chelsea does tend to wear more clothing on a regular basis, but apart from that, they could totally be related.
Sweden’s Loreen looks like Canadian model/actress Hannah Simone
Yeah, I know it’s the hair. I think we can all agree though, that there are a heck of a lot of people who look less like Loreen than Hannah does, and that’s got to count for something.
Switzerland’s Ivan Broggini looks like American actor Eric Mabius
I could have cheated and put the frontman of Sinplus next to a photo of his brother Gabriel, but I wanted to put in a bit more effort than that for you guys (plus, they don’t even look very similar). Strip away the differing hair and eye colour – as well as a whole bunch of other stuff – and you’ll see the similarities here. I hope…
Did any of these have you seeing double? Which doppelgangers did you spot in the class of 2012?
Can anybody believe it’s been almost a year since Baku?
I’m definitely having issues getting my head around it. One minute I’m all excited for the next installment of Eurovision amazingness – making stuff to wave over the three nights and contemplating baking a Swedish-themed layer cake to mark the occasion. The next, I’m having a panic attack about where the last 11 months have gone, and contemplating inventing a device to stop time instead of baking some stupid cake. It’s a little confusing. What is for certain is that Malmö is heading straight for us, whether we like it or not. Ultimately, that’s a very good thing!
Before the thirty-something days until the first semi are up, I figured it would make sense to go back in time (not literally…I haven’t invented a device for that yet) and remind everybody what went down in the Crystal Hall last May. I’m going to do this via a series of posts known as Flashbakus (see what I did there?) and this first episode is an overview of the Azerbaijani action made possible by Ell & Nikki…and Azerbaijan’s ability to do so well in the contest despite sometimes having an, ahem, average entry. So sit back, relax, and take a trip down memory lane feat. stats, facts and some of my personal highlights from the most easterly ESC of all time.
When 22nd, 24th and 26th May, 2012
Where Baku Crystal Hall, Baku, Azerbaijan
Motto ‘Light your fire!’
Broadcaster İctimai Television
Hosts Leyla Aliyeva, Eldar Gasimov & Nargiz Birk-Petersen
Returnees 1 – Montenegro
Withdrawals 2 – Armenia, Poland
SEMI FINAL 1
Interval act Natig Rhythm Group
– Albania: This was the first performance to give me goosebumps, which I really wasn’t expecting as I wasn’t a big Suus-aholic at that point. But you can never anticipate which entries will blow you away live, a la Ukraine 2010.
– Romania: Watching Mandinga’s tangerine queen Elena struggle as her earpiece failed her was both cringe-worthy and highly amusing. Fortunately, apart from a few timing issues she pulled off a decent vocal, so kudos to her for that. I also enjoyed the 2012 version of Epic Sax Guy – the Moonwalking Bagpiper.
– San Marino: Yes, I admit it. I enjoyed this performance more than I thought I would and more than I knew I should. It helped that Valentina could actually sing (and she’s getting the chance to showcase her voice in all seriousness this year) but really, anything would have been an improvement on the music video *shudder*.
– Cyprus: And I thought the Cypriots brought their A-game in Düsseldorf! Ivi and her gal pals totally outdid Greece in every department last year, which is not the norm. Costume, choreography, lighting and props all deserved…well, props.
– Russia: Oh, those grannies and their pizza oven! This was the act everyone was waiting for, and I for one was not disappointed. The BB gave us that promised party for everybody, as well as a midnight snack (the show had to be held later than usual thanks to Azerbaijan being über east, so thank you Russia for the sustenance).
– Ireland: I’d consider Jedward’s performance of Waterline relaxed compared to the ‘we’ve been living on red cordial for the last six months’ vibe of Lipstick. What I liked most was watching the twins’ perfectly primped hairdos be destroyed by the water fountain they carted across the continent with them. Although giving them a good scare by announcing them as the lucky last qualifiers was pretty priceless.
1. Russia 152
2. Albania 146
3. Romania 120
4. Greece 116
5. Moldova 100
6. Ireland 92
7. Cyprus 91
8. Iceland 75
9. Denmark 63
10. Hungary 52
– Greece made their ninth consecutive final, whilst Cyprus qualified from a semi for only the third time since 2004.
– Hungary qualified for the second year running, having returned to the contest in 2011 following several failed attempts.
– Switzerland, on 45, and Finland, on 41, missed out on qualifying by a Nishliu dreadlock.
– Austria lost the first semi, only getting 8 points’ worth of popos shaking.
SEMI FINAL 2
Interval act (A rather horrifying) winner’s medley
– Serbia: My beloved Željko back on an ESC stage once again? Of course that would be a personal highlight! His opening of the second semi with the atmospheric Balkan ballad (how unexpected) Nije Ljubav Stvar more than compensated for Montenegro’s, shall we say, unusual opener in the first.
– Macedonia: I kind of fell in love with Kaliopi during Eurovision week. Not only is she apparently the nicest person on Earth, but she’s a great performer too – as we saw on this Thursday night. It was a simple presentation from FYROM, but the lady rocked the house.
– Sweden: As is usual with Sweden, nothing had changed performance-wise since Melodifestivalen. Did anyone care? I don’t think so. The crowd was buzzing (with euphoria, perhaps?) as the lights went all laser on us before the camera closed in on Loreen, the woman of the moment. What followed was an act staged like no other in the history of forever/the contest.
– Turkey: They made a ship. Out of their COSTUMES. TWICE! Is that not one of the most amazing things that has ever happened?
– Estonia: Naturally I appreciated the opportunity to stare at my future husband for three whole minutes, while he sang his little heart out. Again, this performance was a simple one (with an exceptional selection of background images, I must say), all about the song and the emotion. And me drooling over my TV screen #pathetic.
– Lithuania: If there was ever a one-man show, its name is Donny Montell. Well, its stage name, anyway. The man sings, dances, wears blindfolds, plays air guitar, and does all of them brilliantly. Well, he doesn’t look entirely normal in a blindfold, but who does?
1. Sweden 181
2. Serbia 159
3. Lithuania 104
4. Estonia 100
5. Turkey 80
6. Bosnia & Herzegovina 77
7. Malta 70
8. Ukraine 64
9. Macedonia 53
10. Norway 45
– Sweden won the second semi for the second year running.
– Macedonia reached the final for the first time since 2007.
– Norway just squeezed into the top 10 ahead of Bulgaria, who also scored 45 points.
– Slovakia brought up the rear this time, suggesting that no amount of exposed flesh can guarantee one a good result.
THE GRAND FINAL
Opened United Kingdom
Interval act Emin, chewing gum and performing Never Enough
– France: The French gymnastics team figured Eurovision was as good a place as any to get in some Olympics practice, and I agree. John-Paul Gaultier decided that stapling an entire roll of chiffon to the back of Anggun’s leotard was better than a mere few metres, and I double agree. That costume + a decent wind machine = a match made in Eurovision heaven.
– Azerbaijan: I don’t think the last-minute addition of ethnicity was a good idea, but that dress – you know, that dress – certainly was. It was a clever “prop” that struck a balance between ‘not exciting enough’ and ‘so exciting I’m distracted’. It must have caught on, because I’ve seen it done a few times since.
– Spain: This was the performance of the final as far as I’m concerned. Pastora delivered a faultless vocal that genuinely made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck (I’m telling you, I looked like a hedgehog) and when she launched into her epic note and the artificial breeze kicked in, there were tears in my eyes.
- Sweden 372
- Russia 259
- Serbia 214
- Azerbaijan 150
- Albania 146
- Estonia 120
- Turkey 112
- Germany 110
- Italy 101
- Spain 97
- Moldova 81
- Romania 71
- Macedonia 71
- Lithuania 70
- Ukraine 65
- Cyprus 65
- Greece 64
- Bosnia & Herzegovina 55
- Ireland 46
- Iceland 46
- Malta 41
- France 21
- Denmark 21
- Hungary 19
- United Kingdom 12
- Norway 7
– Sweden’s was a record-breaking win: Loreen out-douzed Alexander Rybak in being ranked first by 18 countries. Rybak scored 16 sets of douze points. What a loser.
– The honour of twelve points did not come easily to the other 25 participants. Coming a very distant second to Sweden in those stakes was Albania, Azerbaijan and Serbia, all receiving four sets of douze.
– Three Big countries, as well as host country Azerbaijan, made the top 10. Germany’s 8th place was their third top 10 finish in a row; not bad for a country that had struggled not to come last in the years BL (Before Lena).
– Spain’s 10th place marked their first top 10 appearance since 2004, when they also came 10th. Pastora Soler scored ten more points than Ramón did in Istanbul.
– Albania secured their best result ever, and after failing to qualify in Oslo and a disappointing showing in Düsseldorf, Estonia was back on form in 6th place. Their previous Estonian-language entry had also finished 6th.
– Ukraine’s recent results have been impressive – 7th in 2006, 2nd in 2007 and 2008, 10th in 2010 and 4th in 2011. But last year’s 15th was proof that they’re not invincible (and possibly that Europe disliked Gaitana’s floral and fringe combo just as much as I did).
– The same goes for Greece, with 2012 being their first finish outside of the top 10 since 2003.
– The UK was the lowest ranked Big country, only outscoring Norway (and I’m still not over it). Sending a household name with a less than contemporary ballad did not pay off, but at least they’ve learnt from that mistake going in to Malmö. Oh wait…
I realise now that it may have taken you longer to read this recap than go back and watch both semis and the final again, but, hey, you could have given up if you wanted to. Now that I think of it, maybe you should go back and watch the show again if you need to, then let me know below what you loved, hated, and were shocked and surprised by in Baku. We all need the practice, since we’ll soon be doing the exact same thing for Eurovision 2013.
COMING UP: If you thought I couldn’t possibly find any more ESC lookalikes, you were wrong! The Flashbaku doppelgangers will have you seeing double. Then, my longest and most difficult quiz EVER rears its head, in an Azerbaijan-tastic test of your Eurovision 2012 knowledge.
We’ve all been watching Eurovision at some stage and thought to ourselves “if there isn’t an ad break soon, I’m going to need a change of pants.” But that’s another story for another post. This post is for all those times we’ve been watching and thought “wow, that person looks so much like Insert Celebrity Name Here!” Yes, it’s time for yet another installment of contest look-alikes to be uncovered. As always, some will have you seeing double whilst others will make you wonder about my eyesight…but that’s all part of the fun, right?
Can Bonomo (Turkey 2012) and American actor Vin Diesel
It’s not uncanny (and I did borrow/steal this idea from a forgotten source) but the resemblance between these two is there. Once you crop off Vin’s bulging muscles, anyway.
Christine Guldbrandsen (Norway 2006) and British actress Victoria Shalet
Take Christine and add a box or two of #103 Less-Than-Platinum Blonde hair colour, and you get Victoria.
Hanna Pakarinen (Finland 2007) and Australian singer Vanessa Amorosi
The professions, the bangs, the tendency to slap on eye make-up like there’s no tomorrow – these ladies were so separated at birth.
Ivi Adamou (Cyprus 2012) and American actress Liv Tyler
In case Ivi’s singing career peters out, she’ll always have a fallback career in being stunt double for Liv. She doesn’t mind being lifted/thrown around, if her stage show in Baku was any indication.
Litesound’s Jacopo Massa (Belarus 2012) and French DJ David Guetta
There’s nothing as majestic as having a head of product-filled, side-swept blonde locks…as Jacopo and David well know.
Texas Lightning’s Jane Comerford (Germany 2006) and Australian newsreader Sandra Sully
Trust me. In twenty years, SS will be Jane’s twin, right down to the last eye wrinkle.
Manuel Ortega (Austria 2002) and co-host of Eurovision 2007, Finnish actor/singer Mikko Leppilampi
There’s nothing I love more than a double whammy ESC look-alike. Enter Manuel and Mikko, who remind me of those sets of brothers who look so similar, yet still contain an obviously better-looking one. CoughMikkocough.
Ott Lepland (Estonia 2012) and member of British boyband Take That, Gary Barlow
Considering Ott looks like a different (but equally attractive) person in every photo I’ve seen, it’s amazing that he could bear any resemblance to someone else. And yet, he kinda sorta almost does.
Feminnem’s Pamela Ramljak (Bosnia & Herzegovina 2005/Croatia 2010) and Marcia Brady from The Brady Bunch
I’m sure Pamela isn’t as superhumanly perfect as the eldest Brady daughter (and I doubt she has an annoying, jealous sister called Jan) but she sure looks like her.
Pasha Parfeny (Moldova 2012) and Irish actor Colin Farrell
This one wins the award for Most Obvious Lookalike of 2012. I’m pretty sure these two went to the same salon to get their facial hair shaped (and ears pierced).
Soluna Samay’s backup muso (Denmark 2012) and Melodifestivalen semi-finalist Sean Banan
I was surprised to see that Sean had wormed his way into the ESC as part of the Danish delegation, until I realised that it wasn’t actually him. If it had been, I suspect the performance would have been much less child-friendly.
Urban Symphony’s Sandra Nurmsalu (Estonia 2009) and Australian actress Emily Browning
Here are two of those people with magic hair that always looks perfect. One day I hope to join their ranks when I have a posse of stylists at my beck and call 24/7.
Got any ESC look-alikes of your own to share?
The Düsseldorf Doppelgangers: https://eurovisionbyjaz.wordpress.com/2012/04/11/dusseldorf-in-rewind-the-dusseldorf-doppelgangers/
NEXT TIME: I’m bringing Time-Warp Tuesday back (unlike Justin Timberlake, who we can assume is still bringing sexy back) before the countdown of all countdowns kicks off. That is, the countdown of my top 50 Eurovision songs of all time!!!
Just as the national final season is a great way of discovering new music, so too is Eurovision a great way of discovering new artists – artists that appeal to your taste.
For example, think back to 2006, when Lordi won the contest with an epic rock song about angels and lambs and stuff (hardcore!). Hard Rock Hallelujah is one of my all-time favourite winners, but I knew I wasn’t likely to be interested in what the band had produced before and after it. On the other hand, there was a Russian guy with a mullet named Dima Bilan, who I fell in love with (not physically…I did just mention that mullet, didn’t I? I mean musically) and so spent the next six years squealing girlishly every time his name was mentioned, especially in relation to the ESC.
My point is, this year’s contest was no different. I’ve come away with the intention of acquainting myself with a bunch of artists I’d never heard of six months ago. Now that I’ve got a bit of time to do that, I plan to. So here is my list of the performers who impressed me in Baku, at least enough to make me search for their albums on iTunes and consider giving them a listen.
NB – Obviously, I’ve excluded anyone I was familiar with prior to the 2012 season, so please don’t abuse me for leaving out Loreen or Željko or Anybody Else.
There are few things I love more than catchy, summery, ethnic pop music, and I hear that’s Mandinga’s specialty. I am slightly perturbed by the fact that the graphic of Elena on the cover of their latest album looks nothing like her, but as that has nothing to do with their music and my potential future enjoyment of it, I’ll push it aside. I wonder if you can hear the moonwalking bagpiper in any of the tracks (hear him moonwalking, that is, not bagpiping).
Ivi’s not the best live vocalist, but she sounds great in studio, and as her preferred genre fits in nicely with what I usually listen to (outside of Eurovision-land – when I’m inside, I listen to everything) I’m excited to rifle through her back catalogue. I did listen to one of her hits, Crashing Down, back when she was announced as Cyprus’ representative, and I gave that douze points.
Quedate Conmigo was basically a three-minute showcase for Pastora’s uh-mazing voice, so I’m eager to see how she works with less epic material. This woman has been around for a while, so attempting to listen to everything she’s ever done could take me until Eurovision 2060, but I’ll give it a try.
I can’t deny that one of the best parts of Ott’s performance in Baku was him being there and me getting to stare at him because of that. But he is genuinely talented, something I managed to notice on those occasions when I tore my eyes away from his wonderful eyebrows. I love a bit of piano ballad-ness and I love listening to Estonian, so further exploring Ott’s repertoire should be disappointment-free.
These guys were doing electro-rock-pop way before Katy Perry tried it out, so whilst they may not look as good in latex leotards as she does, I’m guessing they’ve got the edge when it comes to the sound.
Judging by her San Remo entry Per Sempre and her Eurovision song, I’m expecting a hybrid of classic chanteusery and retro sassiness from Nina. Italian really is one of the most musical languages, so my hopes are high.
Can’s latest album begs to be heard – the title translates as ‘lunatic’. Who wouldn’t want to investigate that further? It’s the kind of album title I’d expect from Rambo Amadeus, but in this case I’ll be listening voluntarily.
Apparently Rona’s genre of choice is experimental jazz, a departure from Suus and not my thing in the least. But I’ve got to see (or rather, hear) what else she can do with that ridiculous voice of hers. I’m beginning to think that her dreadlocks hold some sort of mystical powers that make her sing like nobody’s business. That would explain why she had to wrap one around her neck…
I’m assuming that back in 2010, these guys hadn’t disco-fied their music to death. If so, their debut album should be worth a spin. If not, well, I could get used to wearing flares and leathers when I’m listening.
She may be one of those people who make me feel inadequate and talentless, but her adequateness and talent drew me to her at Eurovision (as did her hat-and-shoulderpads combo. I must visit a costume store and find me one of those). It will be a relief to answer that eternal question: what happens when a busker gets a record deal?
Which artists were your favourite discoveries this year?
Bonjour! I hope you remember me after the week or so I didn’t manage to post (I had to actually prioritise study over Eurovision for the first time, and it was very traumatic). Now I am free as a bird – a bird with a bachelor degree, that is. Insert Applause Here. Anyway, that means it’s back to business, and the business of the week was the release of the 2012 split results, at long last. As usual, the splits showed some very interesting inconsistencies, as well as some very boring, very expected placements. For those of you who haven’t checked them out, and for those of you who have but want to/are being forced to again, here are the results for the semis and the final, accompanied by a little analysis. Enjoy (even if you’re one of the people being forced to read this. In that case I COMMAND you to enjoy).
Semi final 1
- After the first semi it was revealed that one country only made the final thanks to the juries, and another only because of the televoters. We all thought those two countries were Albania and Russia, when in fact Rona and the grannies topped the jury and televoter lists respectively, and ranked decently vice versa. It seems to me that it was Hungary and Iceland who were lucky to make it. If things had been a little bit different, Israel and Switzerland may have advanced instead.
- Only two countries were ranked on the same level – Finland and Austria. Amazingly, neither party disliked San Marino enough to place them last. I guess the juries found some musical integrity in The Social Network Song (presumably outside of ‘so you wanna make love with me?’ Actually, outside of all the lyrics).
- I was surprised to see Moldova and Greece ranked higher by the juries than the televoters. I guess the days of over-the-hill, fuddy duddy jurors are gone. Either that, or they’re all sleazy old men who really wanted Eleftheria’s aphrodisiac.
- If the televotes here prove anything, it’s that the public aren’t that interested in sexy sex. Neither Iris’ see-through dress (unintentional, I’m sure) or Trackshittaz’ pole dancers made them want to pick up their phones. Then again, they did vote the grannies first, and they are hot stuff.
Semi final 2
|6||Bosnia & Herzegovina||Norway|
|7||Croatia||Bosnia & Herzegovina|
- There were a few countries that the Js and Ts completely disagreed on, which allowed a few low-rankers to squeeze in to the final. The juries favoured Croatia (yay!) and Georgia (hmm…) over eventual qualifiers Turkey and Norway, which I suppose is understandable – Love Me Back and Stay were very much fan-geared entries. It was thanks to the viewers at home that Norway advanced.
- As for those peeps at home, well, they would have preferred to see Bulgaria and the Netherlands in the final over Malta, and, unbelievably, Ukraine. That has to be a teensy victory for two countries who kind of suck at Eurovision (don’t be offended. The same could’ve been said about Germany a few years ago).
- Speaking of Ukraine, does anyone else find it strange that Be My Guest rated so low with the televoters and so highly with the juries? You’d think it would have been the other way round. I know what I said earlier about the juries being hip and cool these days (unlike myself, since I just used the term ‘hip and cool’) but this still strikes me as odd.
- Congratulations to Sweden, who won the jury vote, and Sweden, who won the televote. I did NOT see that coming.
|15||Bosnia & Herzegovina||Cyprus|
|16||Malta||Bosnia & Herzegovina|
- The differences between the jury top 10 and the televote top 10 are much more drastic here. The people at home got their gold, silver and bronze preferences just as they wanted, but it was the juries who got their way for the most part. 8 of their top picks made the final top 10.
- If you were in any doubt over Sweden’s victory, here is proof that it was deserved. Unlike in 2011, when Italy topped the jury vote, the decision was unanimous in 2012. Apparently Loreen choking on her fake snow during the jury final didn’t affect the marks they gave her. For all we know, it made her voice huskier and they liked it.
- It was well and truly a public success for Turkey. Can may have come out with 7th place and been ranked 4th with the viewers, but the juries were not impressed by his stripes or sailboats. Or his song, come to think of it.
- Again, Ukraine’s placement confuses me, as does the UK’s. We could put Engelbert’s higher placing with the public down to his widespread fanbase, but I still don’t get why he was placed last with the juries.
- Italy and Spain were saved by the juries, and in Spain’s case, I thank them for it. Muchas gracias! I can’t help but wonder if the televoters are a bit dead inside not to have been moved by Pastora Soler’s performance, but I suppose I’m biased. And very emotional during the Eurovision season.
- Lithuania, Iceland and Norway were the only countries (besides Sweden) to be ranked equally, in 14th, 19th and 24th places. Unfortunately, due to the disparity between the lowest-placed songs, this still meant a last place for Norway.
- Some of the major differences: Italy (J 4th/T 17th), Spain (J 5th/T 18th), Ukraine (J 7th/T 20th), France (J 13th/T 26th), Greece (J 18th/T 9th), Romania (J 20th/T 7th) and Ireland (J 25th/T 10th). Turkey made the biggest jump, as mentioned, from 22nd place to 4th.
The release of the splits was really the final stepping stone to the 2013 contest, which is now hovering between Malmö and Stockholm (I suspect the capital will prevail…though I did say that last year too). Developments are already underway, which is understandable given there’s less than a year to go. In the meantime, we have JESC to look forward to, so long as it isn’t cancelled due to low participation numbers – but more on that later.
Until next time…
It’s been three weeks since Sweden won Eurovision 2012, and even though we’ve stopped using the word ‘euphoria’ to create lame puns and such, the EBU has still not released the split results, goshdarn them. There’s been a lot of individual country results trickling out on the internet, but nothing complete. Apart from annoying me (I am not a patient person) this has messed me around a bit on the blog front since I had planned a split analysis, which I should be doing now. Without anything to analyse, I’m scraping the bottom of the Baku barrel for something to write about.
Having said that, my mysterious and thrilling title (cough) does not lie – I do have a revelation to reveal. And here it is: Norway didn’t actually lose the contest this year. I don’t know if that has already occurred to you, but as president of the “Tooji is Amazeballs” fan club, the it was quick to occur to me, and I was planning on tweeting the fact to Tooji himself to make him feel better, but I figured he was probably over the whole thing by now.
Basically, we all know what happened in the final, point-wise. Namely, this:
- Sweden – 372
- Russia – 259
- Serbia – 214
- Azerbaijan – 150
- Albania – 146
- Estonia – 120
- Turkey – 112
- Germany – 110
- Italy – 101
- Spain – 97
- Moldova – 81
- Romania – 71
- Macedonia – 71
- Lithuania – 70
- Ukraine – 65
- Cyprus – 65
- Greece – 64
- Bosnia & Herzegovina – 55
- Ireland – 46
- Iceland – 46
- Malta – 41
- France – 21
- Denmark – 21
- Hungary – 19
- United Kingdom – 12
- Norway – 7
Yes, Sweden nearly beat Rybak’s record, and got the highest amount of douze points in history, blah blah blah. We all know that. But what about the semis? Unlike Norway, there were 16 countries who didn’t even make it to Saturday night, so technically they were all beaten by the Tooj. Now, for your convenience and possible interest, I have combined those 16 and ranked them by the points they accrued* in order to figure out who actually finished last – and who still has bragging rights in saying they came 30th, or whatever.
Let’s start with the 27th– 35th placed countries.
* FYI, the countries from semi 1 are in red, and those from semi 2 are in blue. Also, if there were equal scores, I have ranked them according to who received more high scores. You know, in the slightly dodgy EBU way.
- Bulgaria – 45
- Switzerland – 45
- Croatia – 42
- Finland – 41
- Portugal – 39
- Georgia – 36
- Belarus – 35
- Netherlands – 35
- Israel – 33
Bulgaria and Switzerland were the two countries that just missed out, which in way, must be more irritating for them than if they had lost.
Bulgaria not only got the same point total as Norway – failing to qualify because Love Unlimited didn’t get any lots of 8 points – but as Switzerland too. Sofi placed above Sinplus (IMO) because she got a 10 and a triple 6, whereas the Broggini brothers got a triple 8, and a 7 – but feel free to swap them around if it’ll help you sleep at night.
As you can see, there’s a block of higher-ranked songs from semi 2 here, which proves once again which semi was the strongest. Georgia’s 32nd placing is officially their worst ever, considering they’d qualified on every participation in the past. I can’t say I feel sad for them, although I do still want to strangle whoever decided to give Anri Jokhadze a rhyming dictionary for Christmas.
Belarus and the Netherlands also share a point total, but this time the division is clearer – Litesound managed to score a douze and an 8, whereas Joan was left with an 8 and a double 7. If you’d ever wondered what people prefer to look at – chainmail and leather or feathers – wonder no more.
Now we come to the countries ranked 36th– 39th:
- Slovenia – 31
- San Marino – 31
- Slovakia – 22
- Montenegro – 20
Poor Slovenia, who most of us had pegged to qualify, finished in a dismal unfortunate 36th place (I don’t want to destroy a teenage girl’s hopes and dreams any more than they’ve already been destroyed), just out-scoring San Marino with a 10 and an 8. Speaking of San Marino – well, they’re not going to be saying ‘uh-oh’ about 37th with 31 points, because it’s one of their best results EVER. That’s not as spectacular as it sounds, but it’s something Valentina Monetta will probably include in her status updates on Facebook…er, I mean, that social network, for the rest of her life.
Amazingly, Montenegro kept themselves out of the bottom three, possibly by borrowing Anri’s dictionary (choosing words with more syllables). Here are the unlucky trio who couldn’t be saved by Eurovision-themed lyrics, see-through dresses or pole dancers (apparently sex does not sell at the ESC).
- Latvia – 17
- Belgium – 16
- Austria – 8
So, when we’re talking about points, it was Austria’s popo-shaking duo Trackshittaz who came dead last this year. Congrats, boys!
I guess it’s apt that a song all about rear ends came bottom. We should have seen it coming – I mean, didn’t Loreen tell us she was going up-up-up-up-up-uuuuuppp? Then again, We Are the Winners didn’t turn out to be gospel back in Athens. I guess you never really know what’s going to happen in this competition. Isn’t that part of the fun?
NEXT TIME: If we finally get a looksee at the split results, I’ll be picking my way through them so you don’t have to. Otherwise…well, you’ll just have to wait and see.
Welcome, et cetera.
You know the drill. This is Vol. II of my annual awards, during the reading of which you may laugh, you may cry, or you may stop reading this blog because you’ll realise you’re sick of me. Enjoy!
Best Vocal Performance (Male)
If you have a pair of functioning ears, you cannot accuse me of being biased on this one because I have a preexisting love for Lepland. His voice would be perfection even if he was Freddy Kruger’s uglier brother.
Best Vocal Performance (Female)
Again, if you have any taste at all, you can’t tell me that my love for Pastora gave her an unfair advantage in the race to win this coveted award. She nailed her vocal at every opportunity, handling the light and shade of her song with ease. And she made me cry, which has never happened before during Eurovision (except for 2010 when Croatia didn’t qualify, and that was with horror/disbelief, not pure emotion).
Artist Most Carried by Their Backing Singers
If I meant physically carried, Ivi would win hands down, but I’m talking vocally. The Greek delegation did a decent job of disguising Eleftheria’s ropey singing abilities, but not decent enough to stop us from noticing them singing every single word along with her. No offence, but how on Earth did this woman make it onto The X Factor?
The Toilet Breaker Award for the Most Boring Performance
Bosnia & Herzegovina
I didn’t actually use Iris’ three minutes to use the bathroom, but I still can’t remember anything about her performance except a) that her dress was a tad too see-through and b) that it was boring, which I will admit suited the song well. You’re no Tom Dice, Iris – you can’t just stand there and sing and look adorable and know that you’ll get a ton of votes (I’m not sure he knew that either, but that’s how it was).
Best Use of Instruments
Bosnia & Herzegovina
In 2010, it was the Epic Sax Guy. In 2012, it was the Moonwalking Bagpiper who, well, moonwalked his way into (semi) popular culture by kickstarting Romania’s performance of Zaleilah. The MB, combined with the other instrumental members of Mandinga, put on a show that deserves serious praise.
PS – I’d like to make special mention of Tony, the 7th member of the band who could not appear on stage in line with the famed six-person rule, and who probably spent the semi and the final crying in a corner with Russian granny #7 and #8. We love you, Tony!
A blindfold for blind love, and a water fountain for Waterline; this sure was a year of literal props. Ireland’s was the most impressive for me, mainly because it left some hair gel for the other 41 artists to use (it was pointless for the Jeds to sport gravity-defying hairdos when they were only going to get soaked at 2.50 in).
Best Use of the Wind Machine
The image of Anggun standing on the stage in the outfit she borrowed from Gisela (Andorra ’08), with that hair and those bits of material flying around behind her, was quite a memorable one – it made Marilyn Monroe’s subway grate trick look positively amateur.
Best Use of Background
I realise the whole ‘majestic sky’ thing has been done (and done, and done…) but it gets repeated for a reason – because it looks freaking awesome. What kind of backdrop could be more suitable for a song called Heaven?
All-Rounder of the Year
Turkey didn’t need a hamster ball or hideous green pants to have it all. They just needed a charismatic singer who could actually sing (as strangely as Can does), pull off a pleather coat/hat combo, and command the audience’s attention. Throw in a troupe of backing dancers who can transform themselves into ships at the drop of a sequin, and you’ve got everything you need.
This award is mainly for Pasha’s support group, who wore some amazing dresses that I would love to have in my wardrobe. Still, I didn’t mind his…whatever that thing was he decided to wear. The whole look was a damn sight better than the tartan nightmare of the Moldovan final.
You cannot wear a ShamWow on your body and half of your front garden on your head and expect to get away with it. I can think of a million things Gaitana could have worn instead that wouldn’t have drawn any comparisons with household cleaning products.
Most Boring Costume
Roman went so casual, I have to wonder if his entourage told him the real thing was just another rehearsal. Some sort of deviation from the street busker look wouldn’t have gone astray on a night when 120 million people were watching.
Most X-Rated Costume
Eurovision is an all-ages gig, so this category should probably be renamed “Most Flesh on Display”. I am told however, that in the arena it was obvious MJM was suffering from a lack of belt on his pants, which resulted in some indecent exposure. I did want him to perform shirtless (I basically got my wish) but that was more than I bargained for.
The Artist Who Should’ve Packed Their NF Costume Instead
Floaty white trumps baggy black every time, unless you’re attending a funeral. Or a wedding for that matter – upstaging the bride is a rather large no-no. Anyway, Nina’s decision to wear a rubbish bag was a bad one.
Hairdo of the Year
It’s safe to say there was no hairstyle quite like Rona’s elsewhere in Baku. Her orb of dreadlocks also wins her the EBJ awards for Heaviest Hairdo and Best Inclusion of Hair Into a Costume.
I Can’t Believe You Didn’t Qualify!
There weren’t a lot of shocks in terms of qualifiers this year, but Slovenia’s failure to make the final did catch me off guard. Not only did Eva miss out, but she missed out by a mile, ending her semi in 17th place.
I Can’t Believe You DID Qualify!
For the second year in a row, Lithuania shocked me by advancing, only this time I was happy about it. It will be interesting to see whether the juries, the viewers or a combination of both allowed Donny a Saturday ticket.
Most Destined to Qualify
Had Loreen not qualified, it would have been THE jaw-dropper moment of 2012. It would have made it slightly harder for her to win, too…
Least Destined to Qualify
No way, José. See, I can rhyme too, Rambo!
Most Deserved Final Result
Something as dated and clichéd as Aphrodisiac (if extremely catchy) well and truly deserved 17th place. I think Greece are now aware that they are not guaranteed a top 10 placing because they are Greece, which will hopefully lead to a more original song representing them in Sweden – if they have enough money to send one by then.
Least Deserved Final Result
This is the second time in five years that my favourite song has come last in the final, the other being 2009. Back then, I could see why – Lose Control just didn’t work live. But I think Tooji’s Stay, and Tooji himself, really did. I can only assume that the juries and the voters didn’t vote for him because they liked other entries more, not Norway’s less.
That’s it, ladies and gents. The EBJAFEEs are over for another year, or at least until December when I’m thinking about holding some EBJAFJEEs (does the extra J for Junior push it over the edge?). I hope you liked them. They won’t be the last you’ll see of Baku on this blog. With the split results still to be released and my willingness to move on from this year’s contest still to be located, it’s just not time to look ahead to Amsterdam and Stockholm (read ‘Stockholm’ as ‘miscellaneous Swedish city’). I apologise.
Do you agree with my picks of the best and worst of Baku? Let me know below!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the third (I think?) annual EBJ Awards for Eurovision Excellence!
Tonight (if you are in a different time zone to myself, just draw your curtains and pretend) it’s time to look back at Baku and give some gongs to…well, pretty much everyone and anyone who took part. You don’t need a tux or an evening gown, and you won’t need to get drunk to make the ceremony less boring. All you need to do is sit back, relax, and prepare to disagree with everything I say.*
And with that, may the first installment of EBJAFEE 2012 begin!
* All of the nominees were narrowed down from a big bunch according to my personal taste, so please don’t abuse me in the comments because I didn’t think Engelbert Humperdinck was quite sexy enough for the ‘Hottest He’ category or something. I’m talking to you, grandma.
Dmitry Karyakin (Litesound)
Max Jason Mai
I never thought anyone would appeal to me more than my beloved Jónsi, of the Amazingly Chiseled Cheekbones. But there’s something about waistcoat-wearing Idol winner Ott from Estonia – I suspect it’s the eyebrows – that makes Jónsi look like a reject from Iceland’s Next Top Model.
Elena Ionescu (Mandinga)
Ivi looks so much like a young Liv Tyler, I bet the actual Liv Tyler wishes she looked more like her. It’s a good thing she’s as stunning as she is, because she’s not exactly super-talented in the vocal department…
From what I’ve seen, you don’t get much friendlier than Germany’s latest unser star. Of course, Roman could be an evil genius, expert at convincing the press that he’s a nice guy – but I think he may just be a nice guy. It’s the boring reality.
As she is such a huge star in the Balkans, you might expect Kaliopi to have an ego bigger than Greece’s national debt. But she charmed the pants off everyone in Baku (luckily the weather was warm), became BFFs with Can Bonomo, and was truly appreciative of her qualification and eventual 13th place.
The Born Entertainer
He cartwheels! He plays the air guitar! He memorises camera locations so he can still look down them when he’s wearing a blindfold! For your next function, don’t think twice about the entertainment – just pick up the phone and call Donny on 1800-LOVE-IS-BLIND.
Best Artist Gimmick
From the moment they won the Russian final to the moment the bell went off on the oven to let them know their pies were ready, the grannies were the most-talked about contestants. Just call them six colourful, compact publicity generators.
That Sounds Familiar (the award for the song that most resembles another)
Don’t Close Your Eyes (Slovakia – sounds like Kings and Queens by 30 Seconds to Mars)
Lăutar (Moldova – sounds like Ovo Je Balkan by Milan Stanković)
Love Unlimited (Bulgaria – sounds like Mr. Saxobeat by Alexandra Stan)
Should’ve Known Better (Denmark – sounds like Crazy by Seal)
Unbreakable (Switzerland – sounds like Mr. Brightside by the Killers)
Verjamem (Slovenia – sounds like Molitva by Marija Serifovic)
We can’t call it a coincidence that Slovenia’s non-qualifier is so similar to 2007’s winner, since they were both co-composed by the same person.
Fanwank (pardon my French) of the Year
La La Love (Cyprus)
Party for Everybody (Russia)
For once, a song that seemed to have been constructed mainly to appeal to the Eurovision family won the contest, and deservingly. Euphoria did what Haba Haba failed miserably to do last year.
Ballad of the Year
Korake Ti Znam (Bosnia & Herzegovina)
Standing Still (Germany)
Quedate Conmigo (Spain)
2012 was the Year of the Ballad, so there was plenty to choose from. What lifted Spain’s above the rest, for me, was that spine-tingling, key-changing, epic note that Pastora delivered flawlessly every time. Has there ever been a more perfect moment for a wind machine to kick in?
Ethno-pop Song of the Year
Love Me Back (Turkey)
I’m A Joker (Georgia)
Quirky Turkey at their best – that’s how I’d describe this year’s nautical delight from Can Bonomo. It narrowly beats out the entries from Norway and Romania by being so weirdly wonderful.
Most Danceable of the Year
Be My Guest (Ukraine)
La La Love (Cyprus)
Love Unlimited (Bulgaria)
Party for Everybody (Russia)
This Is The Night (Malta)
Anybody who can keep their rear end firmly in contact with a chair during Be My Guest must either be deaf or dead. That trumpeting and those na na na’s are irresistible to those of us in the land of the living.
Novelty Song of the Year
Beautiful Song (Latvia)
Euro Neuro (Montenegro)
I’m A Joker (Georgia)
Party for Everybody (Russia)
The Social Network Song (San Marino)
Woki Mit Deim Popo (Austria)
San Marino’s entry was the most novelty of all the novelty songs this year. It out-cheesed and out-horrified its competition by a landslide (becoming a guilty pleasure for some – a.k.a. me – in the process) and made many a brain ache as we tried to figure out if it was worse than Rebecca Black’s Friday. The debate rages on.
Best Preview Video
When you’ve got some of the most beautiful scenery in the world to use in your shoot, you don’t need much else – but chucking the Aurora Borealis in for good measure really helps. Watch as Jónsi follows an angelic Greta through a winter wonderland in a spiffy jumper, and be transfixed.
NEXT TIME: Naturally, it’s part II of the EBJAFEEs, featuring the performances, costumes and results.