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Separated at birth? The stars of Malmö and their lookalikes

I’m sure you all saw this coming. With a new year and a fresh batch of artists on the Eurovision grill, it was only a matter of time before someone felt compelled to reunite them with the twins they never knew they had – a.k.a. cobble together a list of people who vaguely resemble some of the latest participants.

This year (like most years) that someone is me. So if you liked all 10, 345 of my previous doppelganger posts, then perhaps you’ll be entertained by this here episode. I’ve tracked down the doubles of eleven Malmö-ites for your convenience/judgment. Please let me know below if I’ve missed any from the class of 2013!

 

Albania’s Bledar Sejko looks like British actor Gary Oldman (as Dracula)

mlalbania

And I bet you thought Cezar was the only Dracula on display in this year’s competition. Nope. Albania sent one too, albeit a less obvious, less glamorous one without a penchant for crystal-encrusted gowns with plunging v-necklines. Bledar’s a more conservative type, favouring the same flowing brunette locks and trendy eyewear Sir Oldman worked when he played the vampire to end all vampires back in 1992.

 

Armenia’s Gor Sujyan looks like Kevin from the Backstreet Boys

mlarmenia

I can see it now – a telemovie starring Gor and Kevin as twins adopted out to different families, with one growing up to be a rock star (of sorts) and the other joining a boy band that becomes a phenomenon. Years later, they’re reunited…and immediately start ripping into each other about their respective musical tastes. Wouldn’t that be heartwarming? Though I must say, this backstreet boy has a way to go if he wants to attain Gor’s level of eyebrow thickness.

 

Azerbaijan’s Farid Mammadov looks like Friends star Matt Leblanc

mlazerbaijan

I’m willing to bet my entire DIY flag collection that these guys go to the same dentist to get their teeth whitened, if nothing else. If I happen to lose that collection, I’ll still believe that Farid has more than a hint of Matt-in-the-Joey-Tribbiani-days about him. Just look at the hair, and the untamed brows, and the shape of the noses, and you’ll see it. I hope. 

 

Belgium’s Roberto Bellarosa looks like British actor Luke Pasqualino

mlbelgium

I don’t want to be mean and say that the above looks like a before-and-after plastic surgery comparison, but it kind of does. Roberto is adorable in his own right, so let’s just call Luke his older, more refined sibling. And then let’s celebrate, because we’ve finally found not one, but two people who look reasonable with a Justin Bieber ’09 sweep haircut.

 

Croatia’s Marko Škugor looks like R & B singer Mike Posner

mlcroatia

I’d argue that Marko is the better singer, even though he doesn’t do it for a living. But apart from that, give or take an earring or two and some differing dress sense, you’re left with two men whose names start with M and who enjoy carefully crafted buzz cuts for that ‘bald, but not really bald’ look.

 

Denmark’s Emmelie de Forest looks like Australian actress Jacinda Barrett

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Neither of them are fond of hairbrushes, we know that much. It’s a fair prediction to make that in ten to fifteen years’ time, this is what Emmelie will look like, although it’s too hard to say whether she’ll have found some shoes by then.

 

Estonia’s Birgit Õigemeel looks like Australian actress Kate Bell

mlestonia

Kate Bell in turn looks a bit like Lena, but I might save that for another post. Though I really have nothing to say about these two. Except for this: if you stand about ten metres away from your screen and cross your eyes, the resemblance is uncanny.

 

France’s Amandine Bourgeois looks like American muso Courtney Love

mlfrance

Amandine, if you’re reading this (because it’s so likely) bonjour. And I’m sorry. But I am not the first person to wonder if you and Ms Love could be one and the same. I’m sure you’re not as cavalier with illicit substances, but you’ve got to admit, your heavy use of eyeliner and blonde bed-headedness has a lot of us drawing comparisons.

 

Greece’s Agathonas Iakovidis looks like the Dolmio pasta sauce puppet

mlgreece

For anyone who’s easily offended, no, I am not implying Agathonas looks like a Muppet/puppet. I think he’s the coolest moustache-stroker around, actually. All I’m saying is that I suspect he’s been selling pasta sauce around the world for the last couple of decades. No biggie. It is a bit cheeky of him to go around demanding free alcohol when I doubt he’s had to pay for a single meal of spaghetti since 1983. 

 

Iceland’s Eythor Ingi looks like Australian Idol winner Wes Carr

mliceland

It would be all too easy to go for Thor or Jesus or that guy who delivered a pizza to my house once, so I’m pairing Eythor with a less obvious alternative. You could say that he and Wes are just two blonde dudes who happen to grow their facial hair in the same way, and you’d be right. What more does it take for people to look like each other? In fact, if I had some face fuzz (not likely, but bear with me) I reckon I could pass for Eythor’s long-lost womb-mate too.

 

Romania’s Cezar Ouatu looks like American actor Patrick Dempsey

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Grey’s Anatomy would be a lot more entertaining if Dr. McDreamy sang diagnoses to his patients in an ear-piercingly high falsetto. Unfortunately, it’s only appearances that he and Cezar have in common. These two are literally a cheek mole away from being identical.

 

Sweden’s Robin Stjernberg looks like Glee star Chris Colfer

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Firstly, may I make a comment about the glorious hair that you are currently admiring on both of the above parties? Thanks. WHAT HAIR! Señor Stjernberg is more impressive in that department, but Chris holds his own. I don’t believe that two people with such volume up top could have been born to different parents.

 

What do you think? Have all the Malmö twins been reunited, or is there more detective work to be done?

  

NEXT TIME: Part 1 of the 2013 EBJ Awards for Eurovision Excellence is coming your way, so you better get your tuxedoes dry-cleaned and sequined hotpants re-sequined for optimum shine. The artists and songs of Year Malmö will be fighting for many a prestigious statuette…manufactured entirely out of Clipart on my laptop at 1am. You’re invited, so I hope to see you there.

 

Malmö Reviews | Part 3 (Latvia-Russia)

The artists and the press have descended on Malmö like vultures…only nothing like vultures. Basically, the majority of them are now on Swedish soil, and that means Eurovision is excitingly close. That also means that I have a heap of reviews and predictions to cram in before Tuesday the 14th. So without further rambling, I present to you the third installment of my 2013 reviews (where I get a bit nasty for the first time in relation to a certain ballad). I’m kicking things off with Latvia. Here we go…

 

LATVIA

Here We Go by PeR

Latvia13Better than 2012: No

IMO: Is there anyone who’d name Latvia as one of their favourite Eurovision countries? Really? Aside from epic debutants Brainstorm and a few other saving graces, they have not impressed me much over the last decade-and-a-bit. This year the trend continues, but I do hear a glimmer of hope in PeR’s Here We Go. It was one of the few passable songs in the dreadful Latvian final, so it’s a plus in that respect. The three boys (two pieces of guy candy, one not so much) put a lot of energy into their performance from what I’ve seen, although they could put more into perfecting their vocals which are ropey at best. But this is a repetitive song – an almost-decent chorus interspersed with brief episodes of rap (which very rarely goes down well at the contest, right Trackshittaz?) with some trumpeting thrown in for good measure. That trumpeting is the best part. I’m not in the mood to be too cruel to Latvia though, so I’ll finish with a positive. The more I think about it, this will be a suitable opener for the second semi, especially if the group manage to pull off a show just as enthusiastic but more polished than what we’ve seen so far. If they incorporate the audience participation, that too should be well received. I’m not excited to see it up first, but I’m not completely repulsed by the thought either.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 6 points.

 

LITHUANIA

Something by Andrius Pojavis

Lithuania13Sounds like: Human by Killers

IMO: This was one of the earliest picks of NF season, and while some of those initial selections get boring by May, this one has grown on me. It’s a strange song, mainly in terms of the verses, but the chorus is rockin’ (and I, having used the term ‘rockin’’ am apparently a fifty-year-old man going through a midlife crisis). It reminds me so much of the Killers’ back catalogue, which may also be latched on to by voters. Lithuania does have a way of qualifying against all the odds, as proven in 2011 and 2012. I do feel that the odds are out of their favour again in 2013, even though I have a sneaking regard for Something. It’s got a bit of quirk, but probably not enough to be considered memorable, unless everybody keeps talking about ‘that weird dude wearing a top hat’, should that weird dude wear his top hat. Speaking of which, Andrius is one gentlemanly gentleman, dressing up in his finery to sing a rock song and asking us all if we mind that he’s in love with us. They just don’t make guys like that anymore, do they?

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 7 points.

 

MACEDONIA

Pred Da Se Razdeni by Lozano & Esma

Macedonia13Top 10 material: No

IMO: Thanks to a few negative Tweets (or something like that) Macedonia tossed the amazing Imperija in the trash, and cobbled together another entry for Lozano and Esma (the loveable older lady of this year’s comp) in the space of about five minutes. You know, like Belarus did for Anastasia Vinnkova a few years ago (except that was thanks to a rule violation). The difference here is that I like this second song almost as much as the first one, even though it’s such a mish-mash of styles that I know I should be saying ‘WTF is this circus of a song?’. Pred Da Se Razdeni is more ‘by Lozano, featuring Esma’, and has the shortest opening verse I’ve ever heard on a song in Eurovision or elsewhere. True fact. But why waste time getting to the chorus when the chorus is so awesome, in my opinion? And what little airtime Esma has is taken advantage of – I LOVE her parts. I can’t wait for her to strut out with her grandson…er, I mean, singing partner, and get the crowd clasping their hands and whispering about how adorable she is. Lozano, meanwhile, will be doing most of the legwork and doing it very well – he has a great voice (and trendy eyewear collection). He, his chaperone and this song are a jigsaw puzzle that shouldn’t fit together, but together they work for me.

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 10 points.

 

MALTA

Tomorrow by Gianluca Bezzina

Malta13Best lyric: ‘Risk assessment is his investment in a life of no surprise/ she threw affection his direction, a collection of her smiles.’

IMO: Here’s an entry that, I’m afraid to say because it is so delightful (as is Dr. Bezzina), has started to bore slightly. But at the same time, there are so many things I like about it that I am mentally unable to stop wishing it into the final. The first time I heard it, it put a smile on my face. I loved the lyrics that told a story using language we don’t often hear at Eurovision – see the above example for proof – and within seconds I was shipping IT man Jeremy and the nameless woman who keeps running off on him. The song itself has been heard plenty of times in the past, but cruisy, inoffensive little ditties always have their place; in fact, one of them secured the Swiss a place in the final two years ago. If “the people” and juries alike are ready to have their hearts warmed and can be won over by a song that more or less forces a smile onto their face, then I officially declare Malta a front runner to make it through to Saturday night. I think it would help if they really played up the cuteness – bringing in the bench seat from the video, or introducing a bunch of balloons somehow (not that relevant, but cute. And I like balloons). After all, how often do you get to be surrounded by whimsical props when you’re a medical doctor?  

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 7 points.

 

MOLDOVA

O Mie by Aliona Moon

Moldova13Better than 2012: No

IMO: Can we all just take a moment to mourn the English version of this song? The version that tackled such subjects as the ‘men are from Mars, women are from Venus’ theory, and the possible legitimacy of the Mayan calendar? Oh god, I’m getting all misty-eyed just talking about it. I miss A Million, and not because I’m some lazy listener who wants everything in English so I can understand it (how dare you accuse me of that!). I think it was because the English version was the one originally chosen to represent Moldova, and I fell in love with that (and it was unsettling for that language switch to even happen – it usually goes the other way round). Take that moment to mourn with me, won’t you? Okay, moment over. I still really like this song as Romanian O Mie. It’s a pretty and well-constructed ballad that was – unbelievably – composed by Pasha Parfeny (how weird was it seeing him at the NF, sitting stiffly at the piano in a dinner suit, after all of that gallivanting he did in a leather apron in Baku?). It is repetitive, I’ll admit, but so are other ballads from the likes of Israel, for example, and I think Moldova has the better song. Unfortunately they aren’t in the same semi final, so Israel can’t make Moldova look good. But Aliona should be able to do that on her own. She already has ESC experience up her sleeve from last year, and with her voice and the architectural hairdo/dress combo she’s likely to be sporting, she’ll put on a show. Whether that show gets her to the final or not is a matter for later discussion.

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 8 points.

 

MONTENEGRO

Igranka by Who See

Montenegro13Top 10 material: No

IMO: It would be a fair call to say this is Montenegro’s best entry ever, simply because it’s not verging on lame (like Zauvijek Volim Te), totally cliché (like Just Get Out of My Life) or anything to do with Rambo Amadeus (need I say more?). Such a fair call that I’m going to go ahead and say it: this IS Montenegro’s best entry ever. That’s from a girl who had high hopes after the song title and description were released, had her hopes dashed and labeled the song a ‘hot mess’ once she’d heard it, then finally grew to love the hot mess after another listen or two. Igranka is far from being a typical Eurovision song. It’s essentially a rap song with badass-female-soloist intervals, and features some hardcore dubstep that gives Slovenia’s all the impact of a soggy tissue. It’s a very interesting song that makes you want to know where it’s going. I love badass-female Nina’s opening part, and the little riff/melody (whatever, I’m not up with musical terminology) underneath the rap verses. The chorus is where things get messy and noisy, but for those expecting to hear the opening lines again, it’ll be a surprise. And if Nina is in tune and attempts to sing with power more than shout, the live effect will be impressive. I’d love Montenegro to do well at last, especially since they have a song that’s more complex and original than Serbia’s, but speaking of the live, this could be a disaster come show time. Igranka in studio is great, but the slick production and that air of messiness could come across a shambles when put to the test in Malmö Arena. As I write this, the trio have completed their first rehearsal, but I’m steering clear of pre-ESC video footage as usual, so I can’t say what went down.  

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 10 points.

 

NETHERLANDS

Birds by Anouk 

Netherlands13Sounds like: Mary Poppins needs anti-depression pills

IMO: Do you remember this time last year, when Joan Franka’s You And Me had been tipped as an almost-certain qualifier and potential winner by a ton of fans and bookmakers? Do you remember how those predictions panned out? Mmm-hmm. Well, it’s happened all over again with Anouk’s haunting ballad Birds, only this time, I’m one of the people hoping the Netherlands meet those high expectations (and suspecting they might). Well, maybe not the winning expectations, but the qualifying ones. I want this to go through, damnit! I didn’t think much of it initially, but a second or third listen can be crucial, and in this case I’ve really grown to appreciate the merit and sadness in the song. There’s nothing contrived or cheesy about it, unlike one of the ballads that comes before it in the running order (more on that in a bit) and I hope that works in its favour. Anouk is a big star and a reliable performer, and her rehearsal yesterday was, by all accounts, excellent. She won’t get in the way of her own success, but voters who want something less depressing and more instant may do. It’s been almost a decade since the Dutch song made a final, and I think if it happened this year, the looks on the delegation’s faces would be priceless. Like, Robin Stjernberg, ‘I won Melodifestivalen?’ level priceless. Who’s up for making that epic-ness a reality?

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 8 points.

 

NORWAY

I Feed You My Love by Margaret Berger

Norway13Best lyric: ‘You put a knife against my back and you dare me to face the attack.’

IMO: A lot of people love this, and a minority do not. The former group would willingly let Margaret feed them her love; the latter would spit it out and tell her she’s a terrible cook. So which group do you belong to? I hear you ask (and if you didn’t ask and don’t care, why are you reading opinion reviews in the first place?). Well, my friends…aagh, no more stalling. I love it, alright! Bravo, Norway, bravo. This country had two excellent Eurovision prospects, and they chose the less fun, less summery, but edgier and more reliable of those two. There aren’t many other words I can think of to describe it – industrial? Electro-rock-ish, perhaps? Different, definitely. Different from anything else on offer in 2013. I love the sound and I love the lyrics, and the contrast between such a dark song (with complimentary lighting) and the blonde-in-a-white-dress look (as Margaret modeled at NMGP) is really interesting. I would prefer this to win over Denmark, but I realise that’s unlikely. A top 10 result is more achievable, unless there’s another inexplicable lack of points for the Norwegian song that confuses me for months to come. Because I Feed You My Love can’t be compared to anything else it’s up against, unlike Stay, that too is unlikely.

Winner, loser or grower: Winner. 10 points.

 

ROMANIA

It’s My Life by Cezar

Romania13Sounds like: Illusion by Krassimir Avramov

IMO: Romania had bamboozled me this year, and as fun as it is to use the word ‘bamboozled’ in a Eurovision review (or at any time) I’m not pleased about it. The tropical party thrown by Mandinga is over, and now we’ve been invited to one where the background music is Beethoven’s Fifth and the punch bowl is full of pumpkin soup, and we’re all like ‘are we supposed to take this seriously?’. Let me tell you how I feel about It’s My Life in a way that makes more sense: as much as it reminds me of Bulgaria ’09 for obvious reasons, it also makes me think of Israel’s entry into the 2004 contest – To Believe, by David d’Or. In both cases, the song I like, but the crazy-high vocal the singer ascends to, I can’t help finding comical. I realise that Cezar is very talented, and the song certainly shows off his range. But I just can’t take this seriously; not when the voice of Alenka Gotar on helium is coming out of an imposing, suited-up dude with a beard. That dude scored the sought-after performance position of last in the second semi, following Switzerland. He will appear, and three minutes later, nobody will remember that Switzerland even existed. Whether or not that will help maintain Romania’s 100% qualification record, I don’t know. Like I said, this entry has me generally bamboozled. God, I love that word.

Winner, loser or grower: Grower. 6 points.

 

RUSSIA

What If by Dina Garipova

Russia13Better than 2012: No

IMO: This song makes me want to do so many things, and none of them are enjoyable – things like jumping off a cliff, and/or vomiting come to mind. Well, maybe it’s not everything about What If that makes me want to do that stuff. Now that I think of it, I find the song part of the song (i.e. the music and the melody) perfectly listenable. What makes my skin crawl is the sickeningly sentimental, cheesy, clichéd, anti-war, ‘let’s put away our firearms and embrace each other’ LYRICS. Oh. My. Gosh. And don’t even get me started on the music video, which only serves to bring the nauseating sentiment to life, as a theatre-load of strangers become so overcome by the message of Dina’s song that they are unable to resist joining hands and swaying as one. Pass me a sick bag, somebody. Russia sent a novelty act of sorts to Eurovision in 2012, and they were adorable. Give me that over this schmaltz any day of the week. I am horrified at the prospect of this qualifying with ease and possibly cracking the final top 10. Dina’s voice wouldn’t be out of place there, but…nyet. Just nyet.

Winner, loser or grower: Loser. 3 points.

 

That’s another ten songs that can be crossed off my review list. But just before I go do that, here’s an overview of my rankings this time around. Although I think I’ll call them ‘igrankings’.

  1. Norway 10
  2. Macedonia 10
  3. Montenegro 10
  4. Moldova 8
  5. Netherlands 8
  6. Malta 7
  7. Lithuania 7
  8. Latvia 6
  9. Romania 6
  10. Russia 3

 

How do you rate the above entries? Let me know where we’re thinking alike, and where we’re really, really not.

 

NEXT TIME: In my second-last post before the main event, I’ll be critiquing the entries from San Marino, Serbia, Slovenia, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Ukraine and the UK. Eight songs, one more set of reviews. Who will come out on top, and will one of you FINALLY agree with me on everything? I doubt it, but why don’t you drop by just in case?