The 2013 EBJ Awards for Eurovision Excellence | Part 1 (Artists and Songs)

Hello there. Long time, no new Eurovision rambling from yours truly. Well, it’s been just over a week, but in blog time that’s an eternity, so I apologise to anyone who cares. I do this, as Krista ‘Ding Dong’ Seigfrids would say, for you-ah, for you-ah, for you, yeah, I do it for youuuuu. Or as Robin ‘I won Melfest?’ Stjernberg would say, for you-ooh-ooh-oohoohooh-oh-ohhhhhh.

OH DEAR GOD, SOMEBODY STOP ME!

Thanks. So, today it’s finally time for me to hand out the first of my awards for the best and worst of all things Eurovision 2013. I realise it’s a bit odd to say they’re for excellence and still rate the bad stuff (costumes etc) but if you think about it, one of the artists who did badly in some way was the most excellent at doing badly in that way. I’m just trying to figure out which one.

Part 1 is devoted to the best and worst of this year’s artists and songs – from the most attractive performers (’cause I’m shallow like that) to the biggest personalities, most unoriginal entries and more. Let the ceremony begin! Oh, and let me know who your winners would be down below. Mine are highlighted in bold.

ebjees

The Artists

1

Andrius Pojavis

Farid Mammadov

Ilias Kozas (Koza Mostra)

Jonas Gygax (Takasa)

Marco Mengoni

Ryan Dolan

 

He may belong in an insane asylum (judging from his behaviour during interviews and the now infamous ‘crotch readjustment’ incident of the jury final) but Marco Mengoni, the San Remo-winning Italian stallion, is also insanely attractive – and when you’re objectifying people by handing out “trophies” to the best-looking, that’s what counts. He can fly to Australia and act like a total space cadet in my company any time.

Marco: the hair of a madman, the face of my future husband.

Marco: the hair of a madman, the face of my future husband.

 

 2

Alyona Lanskaya

Amandine Bourgeois

Natália Kelly

Natalie Horler (Cascada)

Nevena Božović (Moje 3)

Zlata Ognevich

 

If you’re a female and you’ve never secretly hoped that Zlata has bad breath or a problem with flatulence, because NOBODY can be as beautiful and talented and generally perfect as she is, then you’re a better person than I am. I’ll push my jealousy to one side for a second to say this: she is a stunner. If she and Marco Mengoni ever had a love child (never gonna happen, back off Ognevich etc etc) it would be ridiculously gorgeous. Or alternatively, hideous because two lots of super-hot genes coming together might cancel out the attractiveness.

 

3

Andrius Pojavis

Farid Mammadov

Gianluca Bezzina

Gor Sujyan (Dorians)

Marco Mengoni

Roberto Bellarosa

 

This was a tough category, what with 2013 being a year full of animated brows, all jostling for our attention. But the hypnotic quality of Andrius’ pair secures him the disco ball. I’m pretty sure he got into the final by using them to put the jury members and TV viewers into a trance, during which time they were compelled to vote Lithuania. That weird trip-effect halfway through the performance was just a distraction.

'Hush. The eyebrows have spoken.'

‘Hush. The eyebrows have spoken.’

 

 

4

Adrian Lulguraj

Gianluca Bezzina

Ralfs Eilands (PeR)

Robin Stjernberg

Ryan Dolan

 

Perhaps I’m biased because I love Robin to pieces (‘Pieces’ coincidentally being the title of his new album, to be released on June 26th, hashtag shameless plug) but I reckon he was the nicest guy to set foot on Malmö soil during Eurovision week. His priceless reaction of shock at winning Melodifestivalen carried through to the big show, as he was constantly thrilled and amazed just to be there. He was charming with all 468, 952 members of the press he had to speak to (so I hear), taught Australian commentator Sam Pang how to wrestle, and went out of his way (literally; he ran in the wrong direction) to greet fans at the opening party. What a top bloke.

 

5

Hannah Mancini

Krista Seigfrids

Natália Kelly

Natalie Horler (Cascada)

Sara Jovanović (Moje 3)

 

Okay, so Krista and her entourage/bridal party may have been a bit loud at times, and prone to disturbing the relative peace of artist interviews-in-progress…but underneath that noise was someone genuinely excited to be representing her country and someone who wants to make friends with everyone she comes into contact with. Despite her negative result in the final, I’ll bet she and her team spent the plane trip home ding-donging up and down the aisles.

 

6

Bonnie Tyler

Cascada

Koza Mostra

PeR

Robin Stjernberg

Who See

 

In this case, it’s ‘Born EntertainerS’. I’m not including Agathonas as one of the said entertainers, despite how much I love his moustache fondling. It’s just that Koza Mostra, as a fivesome, kind of outshine him in the energetic, crowd-revving, kilt-wearing stakes. I reckon you could hire these guys to perform at a party specifically for people who are bored by everything, and within ten seconds those people would be dancing on tabletops with various items of clothing tied around their foreheads.

It's also entertaining to wonder what's under those kilts.

It’s also entertaining to wonder what’s under those kilts.

 

7

Alyona Lanskaya (the two-time NF winner who finally made it)

Birgit (expecting on the ESC stage)

Elitsa & Stoyan (return of the drum-tastic Bulgarians)

Gianluca Bezzina (the singing doctor)

Moran Mazor (chic geek)

Valentina Monetta (from social networks to sophistication)

 

Miss Monetta takes out this award, and not just because she came straight back to the contest without even a coffee break in between. It’s because she went from ‘inappropriately dressed thirty-something forced to gyrate around singing about cybersex and googling, giggling, gaggling (whatever that is)’ to ‘mature, talented chanteuse with excellent Italian ballad-cum-disco-number and adequately floaty outfit.’ We all wondered whether the Social Network stigma would ruin her second chance, or if she’d be able to shake it off; though she didn’t manage to make the final, I think she well and truly proved that Crisalide Valentina is the real Valentina.

 

 

The Songs

 8

Glorious (sounds like Don’t You Worry Child by Swedish House Mafia)

L’Enfer Et Moi (sounds like Rolling In The Deep by ADELE)

Samo Shampioni (sounds like Water by Elitsa & Stoyan)

Solayoh (sounds like Aphrodisiac by Eleftheria Eleftheriou)

Something (sounds like Mr. Brightside by the Killers)

Tomorrow (sounds like Hey Soul Sister by Train)

 

Last year’s Greek entry sounded at least five years old, and this year’s Belarusian entry, which was more or less a carbon copy, actually turned out to be five years old (read: stale as a bread crust left behind in the pantry for six months). As catchy as it is, it’s that lack of originality and dated-ness that makes me want to never hear the “word” ‘solayoh’ ever again. But my congratulations to Alyona’s songwriters (if they’re still alive…they did write it all those years ago) are sincere. You guys really deserve this award for creating a song so structurally and melodically similar to another one that hadn’t even been thought of at the time.

 

9

Glorious

Hold Me                                                                                            

I Feed You My Love

Only Teardrops

Solayoh

Waterfall

 

A fanwank song is one that a big percentage of ESC lovers go crazy over, that may or may not have been written expressly to appeal to said lovers and that may or may not succeed in the contest itself. Waterfall was (and still is) a ballad stuffed with Eurovision-specific clichés, and had many people booking hotel rooms in Tbilisi for May 2014 before Eurovision week had even begun. Unfortunately for Georgia (and the people who’d booked in to a hotel with a no-refund policy) taking a chance on a fanwank didn’t pay off.

'Whyyyyyyyy couldn't we beeeaaaattt Ell and Nikkiiiiiiiiii?'

‘Whyyyyyyyy couldn’t we beeeaaaattt Ell and Nikkiiiiiiiiii?’

 

95

Contigo Hasta El Final

Et Uus Saaks Alguse

Hold Me

Igranka

Lonely Planet

 

The first time I listened to Hold Me, I was all like ‘Errgh. Yawn. But dammit, Azerbaijan is going to win again with another average song!’ Then a few months went by, and the contest rolled around and the guy in the box happened…and I suddenly became one of the people who wouldn’t have minded if Farid had won, excepting the fact that going back to Baku so soon would have been a tad same-same. As annoying as it is, I love this song as of now. Can we go back to 2011 and make it win in place of Running Scared?

 

91 

Birds

Gravity

Hold Me

L’Essenziale

O Mie

Rak Bishvilo

Waterfall

 

Besides Birds, L’Essenziale was the only subtle, lyrical ballad in the above sea of big, brash belters. That’s not why it’s my personal ballad of 2013 – I love an in-your-face ballad as much as the next person (assuming that next person is a fan of them). I just think it’s beautiful in its simplicity. But it is also lyrically and musically on a different level to most of the others, and I really appreciate that. Are those empty words coming from someone whose main requirement for a good song is catchiness? Maybe. But non mi importa.

 

 92

Contigo Hasta El Final

Identitet

Pred Da Se Razdeni

Samo Shampioni

Solayoh

 

Sadly, the ethno-pop of this year was hard to find, and you could argue that some of the above don’t technically fit into the category. Namely my winner, which is ethno-rock if you want to be picky. You don’t? Great, I’ll carry on then. Identitet is the kind of rock song that appeals to people who aren’t usually rock fans, much like the Turkish rock from Mor ve Ötesi and MaNga (who are responsible for two of my favourite Eurovision songs like, ever). There’s something about it – the melody, those tinges of ethnicity perhaps – that I really like. It’s more instant than Contigo Hasta and more cohesive than Pred Da Se Razdeni, the two songs that I’d name as runner-ups.

 

 93

Alcohol Is Free

Glorious

Marry Me

Only Love Survives

Solayoh

Straight Into Love

 

IMO, Cascada gave us the Macarena of Year Malmö – the up-tempo track that more or less prizes you out of your seat and marches you over to the nearest open space so you can give in to the overwhelming desire you have to shake your thing. Sure, you might not be able to do so at the top of a staircase with a wind machine at your beck and call, but whatever. As Lady Gaga so wisely once said, ‘just dance’. You know you want to.

 

 94

Finland

France

Greece

Iceland

Malta

Ukraine

 

Ukraine threw everything, and I mean everything, at their music video this year, which is so unlike them (ha ha ha). There were CGI unicorns, butterflies, flowers that gave birth to Zlatas, diamonds falling from the sky (not a good thing unless you have a reinforced steel umbrella)…and that’s just to name a few. But the OTT was OMG. The ‘all or nothing’ attitude Ukraine has with regard to Eurovision paid off this time. I’m only disappointed that they didn’t utilise hologram technology to get a unicorn on stage.

'This one'll do nicely for my engagement ring.'

‘This one’ll do nicely for my engagement ring.’

 

Well, that concludes this half of the 2013 EBJAEEs. I hope you enjoyed yourself. If you did, you may want to come back in a few days for the final instalment, which will be commending the yays and nays of the performances, costumes and results from Malmö. Plus, you can find out if your favourite won the People’s Choice Award for All-Rounder of the Year. You wouldn’t want to miss that! I’ll save you a front-row seat, shall I?

In the meantime…

 

Did I make the right decisions? Who/what would you hand these trophies to?

 

 

About Jaz

I'm Jaz, I'm 26, and I'm 110% Eurovision-OBSESSED. The contest is one big party, and I like to keep it going 365 days a year - that's why I write about anything and everything ESC on my blog. Come join the fun, and I promise you'll never have a nul-point experience! www.eurovisionbyjaz.com/

Posted on June 11, 2013, in Eurovision 2013 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. Here’s the song Solayoh *really* sounds like:

    I stumbled across this track over the weekend while searching for something else. And, uh, wow.

    Like

    • Ugh, the link didn’t work. But I can imagine Solayoh sounding very similar to a lot of other songs. Do you have the name of the song the link was for?

      Like

      • “Sexy Naughty Bitchy” by Tata Young. The chorus is mighty close. Same hand-jive rhythm, same chord progression, similar melodic line. Probably not quiiiiite into lawsuit territory, but it’s way closer than “Aphrodisiac”.

        Like

        • Thanks. I will give it a listen and probably be horrified…not that it matters now. At least Solayoh didn’t do incredibly well.

          Like

  2. Hi Jaz!!
    Yay awards! Nice graphics 😀
    For hottest he: Totally agree on your winner, but I think the list of nominee is missing Vlatko Lozanoski.
    Hottest she: omg I agree how can someone be so perfect asdfghjkl. I would have added Sara Jovanović and Raquel from ESDM to the list.
    Most expressive eyebrows xD definitely Andrius
    I thought Krista was a bit too annoying with the ding dong thing, so I’d give the congeniality award to Sara.
    Born entertainer: yes, totally agree.
    That sounds familiar: yes, I agree on this one too, but Cascada’s song had been accused of plagiarizing so many songs, they kind of deserve this award as well 😛
    Fanwank of the year: I’d be tempted to give it to Azerbaijan or San Marino, bur Georgia is a good choice.
    Grower of the year: ugh nooo I still dislike hold me 😛 I’d give it to Sweden or even to Norway.
    Ballad of the year: I like O Mie a tiny bit better than L’Essenziale but I love them both so much so yes, I agree on this too.
    Ehtno-pop song of the year: yay I like your choice. I’d have Samo Shampioni as a runner-up
    Dancefloor filler of the year: I’d have added Montenegro to this list.
    Preview video: yesss it would have been awesome if Ukraine had had a unicorn on stage, why didn’t it happen?!?! 😥 All of these videos are so nice, it’s really hard to pick…well, except for France’s, which I thought was meh. I would have added Croatia’s Trogir-touristic-ad-like music video because of the pretty landscapes that make me wish I were in Croatia right now and Moldova’s because it’s pretty and colorful.

    Can’t wait for the rest 😀

    Like

    • I try with the graphics, I really do…but you can only go so far with MS Word and screenshotting. It’s pathetic, I know.

      I’m sure there is SOMETHING wrong with Zlata. Maybe she actually has a moustache which she waxes off before she goes out in public?

      Re: That Sounds Familiar…yeah, ‘Glorious’ is familiar in so many ways, but so is pretty much every dance song out at the moment. And it’s also similar to a lot of previous Cascada songs. It seems to be the way the genre works.

      I played my mum the 2013 album and judging from her comments or lack thereof, she liked ‘O Mie’ better than ‘L’Essenziale’ as well. Just thought I’d mention that. For me it’s close.

      It would have been cool if Zlata had ridden out onto the stage on a unicorn, instead of being carried out by Igor which was kind of awkward. If anyone could have made that happen, it would have been Ukraine!!

      I have to constantly tell myself that Croatia is a country of hideous landscapes and architecture so I don’t end up stowing away in the wheel well of a Boeing 747 just to get there. That video made it difficult.

      Like

  3. You forgot to write in “Sounds Familiar”: Waterfall (sounds like Quédate Conmigo)

    Like

    • I didn’t forget, I just didn’t see it (or hear it) that much! Not in comparison to how similar some of the others were, anyway. And I loved Spain last year and found Georgia this year good, but very cheesy, so I’m reluctant to admit to any similarities there.

      Like

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