…and the rest

Logically following on from my last post, I wanted to do up a little list of what I believe to be the worst ESC entries from the last ten years. As much as it breaks my Eurovision-marinated heart to do so, even I have to admit that sometimes, the only way to describe a song is with two words, as coined by the great Des Mangan – ‘colossal crap’. Here goes nothin’…



MALTA – Times Three – ‘Believe In Piece’ (Okay, so it’s not the worst song I have ever heard. But if there’s one major thing about music that I cannot stand, it is clichéd lyrics. We have all heard them before, and I am sick of them. “I believe in fun, not the only one”? Well I can tell you, your performance was not much fun for my ears at all.)


ISRAEL – Ping Pong – ‘Sa’me’akh (Be Happy)’ (With a group called Ping Pong, how high a standard could we expect from their song? Some songs are boring, some have terrible lyrics, some are unoriginal and some are just like this – the whole package.)


RUSSIA – Mumiy Troll – ‘Lady Alpine Blue’ (I think my contempt for this song stems from my completely rational fear of the lead singer. Three minutes of leering and hair-flicking and I was having nightmares. But actually listen to the song, and you should discover that it’s really…quite bad.)


SWITZERLAND – Francine Jordi – ‘Dans Le Jardin De Mon Ame’ (If the garden of her soul looks anything like it sounds, then I don’t want to spend time in it. I should imagine that it’s full of weeds. The poor Swiss haven’t had the greatest run in Eurovision, and perhaps this is one of the reasons why…)


UKRAINE – Oleksandr – ‘Hasta La Vista’ (Oh dear. Ukraine couldn’t have picked worse for their debut entry, but shockingly, they still didn’t come last! This song can only be described as a mess.)


IRELAND – Chris Doran – ‘If My World Stopped Turning’ (This was a hard one for me – I think the 04 final was pretty top-notch. So my choice came down to the boring, unoriginal songs, and of those, Ireland’s happened to be THE most boring. Yawn!)


GERMANY – Gracia – ‘Run and Hide’ (Something tells me I won’t have much contention to deal with on this one. It really was awful, wasn’t it? Those ‘ah-ee-ai’s’ in the chorus made me want to burst my own eardrums. I didn’t though.)


MOLDOVA – Arsenium feat. Natalia Gordienko & Connect-R – ‘Loca’ (Despite being a teensy bit catchy, this song is about a 50% effort from the usually unique Moldovans. It was so bad Natalia had to strip onstage in a desperate attempt to rescue it and garner some votes. It did not work. At least they redeemed themselves in 2007.)


UNITED KINGDOM – Scooch – ‘Flying The Flag (For You)’ (it was only a matter of time before a novelty song made the list. This gem from the UK really proved that they don’t take the contest seriously. And why should they? At least until 2009, when they managed to make the top 5 with a slightly better song.)


SPAIN – Rodolfo Chikilcuatre – ‘Baila El Chiki-Chiki’ (Words fail me. This song is another annoyingly catchy number. But that is the only thing it has going for it. A toy guitar? Come on!)


I just can’t do it! The only songs that I didn’t like, from the Czech Republic and Latvia, weren’t in the final. Hence I JUST CAN’T DO IT! But that’s a good thing. 2009 was such an awesome year all round, so Oslo – you have big, big shoes to fill.

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