If you’ve heard a faint sobbing sound over the past few days and weren’t sure where or who it was coming from, I have the answers. Australia is the location, and I’m the crier. Since Saturday night, I’ve been busy mourning the loss of what would have been my new numero uno entry of Eurovision 2016 – Simone’s Heart Shaped Hole. In a shock conclusion that very few of us saw coming, Denmark selected Lighthouse X to represent them in Stockholm with the solid-but-far-from-spectacular Soldiers of Love. There may be some truth to the theory that the three-piece man-band’s super final rivals (a.k.a. the blonde bombshells) cancelled each other out – but even taking that into consideration, it’s hard to fathom how Lighthouse X managed to attract 42% of the public’s votes.
But…at the end of the day, they did, and they are off to the ESC in May. We’ll see what happens to them when they get there (which, at this early stage, could be anything. Miracles never cease). I’m not here today to trash them like a tissue I just blew my nose on. I’m here because, underwhelming winner or not, DMGP was stellar this year – and I want to talk about it some more before we all move on to (hopefully less jaw-dropping) pastures. As there were ten acts competing at the weekend, what better way to both review and rank the NF than with a Top 10? Having critiqued all of the acts based on their performances (an umbrella term covering staging, choreography, costumes and vocals) I proudly present my Top 10 performances of DMGP 2016!
#10 | Muri & Mario’s performance of To Stjerner
It pains me to say this, as someone very much pro-To Stjerner…but what the actual heck was going on here? Vocally, Muri & Mario (well, I say both, but Muri was doing all the heavy lifting) were A-grade – as the majority of the ten acts were on Saturday night – but their staging and street-wear styling get a D minus from me. From Muri’s awkward and uncomfortable bopping (he clearly knew how stupid he looked) to the out-of-sync and out-of-place gymnasts hanging from the rafters, this was three minutes of pure cringe, culminating in the addition of ‘Ridiculous Guitar Man Making Constipation Face’ (as I have chosen to call him). There was that one magical shot of Muri reaching out to a hanging hula-hooper prior to the final chorus, but that wasn’t enough to salvage anything from the wreckage of this car-crash performance.
#9 | Kristel Lisberg’s performance of Who Needs A Heart
Meh. To me, Kristel’s was the weakest ballad competing in DMGP, and although it was staged how such a song should be, the whole package was a bit of a snoozefest (and I wasn’t even watching it at three in the morning. I was wide awake until song no. 7). And surprisingly, her vocals weren’t up to scratch either. All in all, this performance was as bland and beige as the dress Kristel had on underneath all of that bling. But it beats Muri & Mario’s on the basis of being yawn-worthy rather than cringe-worthy.
#8 | Jessica’s performance of Break It Good
Reggae usually puts me in a good mood, so even though I knew Jessica wasn’t a contender for the super final, let alone Stockholm, I was looking forward to her time on stage. She didn’t really disappoint. Costumes that clashed prints and energetic dancers equaled visuals that suited the song well. Still, this was quite a slow 180 seconds, and I wasn’t unhappy to move on to the next lot once Break It Good was finished (for good).
#7 | Veronicas Illusion’s performance of The Wrong Kind
For a song that could have suffered live on stage, The Wrong Kind was successfully executed via commendable vocals and a lot of strutting, on the part of Veronica herself and her posse (they can’t be compared to Taylor Swift’s squad, but they had a decent amount of fierceness). If I had to nitpick, I’d say that Veronica looked a little unsteady in her high-heeled boots. Had she borrowed Anja Nissen’s fancy sneakers, she’d have been better off (and her strutting would have been Academy Award-winning…if there was a category at the Oscars for such a thing. There totally should be).
#6 | Lighthouse X’s performance of Soldiers of Love
This was a song and performance that in no way screamed ‘OBVIOUS WINNER!’, which probably explains why Denmark chose it to represent them at Eurovision. On stage, it was competent and enjoyable, and the trio of acceptably attractive Scandi men were acceptably engaging and charismatic. None of that, of course, disguises the fact that Denmark could have sent something spectacular to Stockholm, but opted to send something safe instead – AGAIN (but I’ll save a lengthier rant on that subject for my 2016 reviews). The most interesting thing about Lighthouse X + DMGP was learning that the band name is pronounced ‘Lighthouse Ten’, not ‘Lighthouse Ex’ (I personally think the latter sounds cooler, but whatever).
#5 | David Jay’s performance of Rays of Sunlight
This was like the second coming of Basim, so naturally, I dug it. Rays of Sunlight is such a sunny (EXCEEDINGLY APPROPRIATE ADJECTIVE ALERT!), funky song that it didn’t require gimmicks to sell itself – just some peppy dance moves and a stylish hat. David Jay is a decent showman, and took advantage of his opening slot to elevate the energy levels of the crowd watching (and dancing) on. Okay, so I wasn’t 100% convinced about the presence of pink turtleneck sweaters, on men, in 2016. But I got such a kick out of the rest of the performance that I’ll forgive DR’s stylist-in-residence for that faux pas.
#4 | Bracelet’s performance of Breakaway
The lead singer of this “band” (let’s face it…he was the star of the show and should have entered as a solo artist) may have been a member of Panic At The Disco circa 2007 if his hair, fashion and nail varnish choices were anything to go by – but the guy can deliver a studio-perfect vocal, and that’s what matters (plus, he should be able to dress however the hell he wants. Judgmental snobs like me should be ignored). Breakaway is a fun stadium anthem, and that was really reflected in Bracelet’s staging. With glitter and pyrotechnics aplenty, the trio were having a party up there that we were all invited to. It rocked.
#3 | Anja Nissen’s performance of Never Alone
At last! Now we know what Emmelie de Forest’s Eurovision performance would have looked like if she was less Lord-of-the-Rings-extra and more Step-Up-film-franchise-extra (which isn’t meant to be an insult, by the way). Anja’s performance, coupled with the De Forest composition Never Alone, was basically Only Teardrops Part 2 (The Pumped-Up Kicks and Polka Dots Edition). That being the truth and nothing but the whole truth (IMO), I’m glad she finished as the runner-up. But she did give her all to the competition, injecting her performance with personality, enthusiasm, and a powerful vocal. This was the only song of the night that had a distinct “moment” – one that signifies a song is in it to win it. When Anja sank down on her knees and belted out that big, big note as sparks flew behind her, it was magic. You go, girlfriend.
#2 | Sophia Nohr’s performance of Blue Horizon
While one of my DMGP favourites failed performance-wise (To Stjerner), one of my least favourites impressed me with its staging. A sultry, smoky rendition of Blue Horizon from Sophia – complete with a giant image of her head in the background, lip-syncing to her own song á la Anastasia Prikhodko in Moscow – set the scene for the folksy number, and her styling was perfection in gypsy form. Considering she barely moved for three minutes, it’s commendable that she kept me transfixed the entire time. This was proof that you don’t have to employ ‘big’ and ‘loud’ and ‘in your face’ as performance buzzwords if you want to make an impact.
#1 | Simone’s performance of Heart Shaped Hole
I’ll be honest. I had very high hopes for the staging of this song, and they weren’t met. I wanted moody, edgy and shadowy; what I got instead was romantic, shiny and stringy (seriously, that giant heart-hole looked like it was made out of spangled seaweed). And Simone was far too cheery the entire time given that her song wasn’t an airy-fairy ode to true love (it’s quite the opposite, in fact). But I can’t not make her third DMGP performance my number one pick, because it still managed to set off a physical reaction in me (i.e. spine tingles) in addition to a multitude of emotional feels. And, tackling a song that doesn’t mess around in the key change department, Simone sang flawlessly. She lights up whatever stage she’s standing on, and watching her do her thing is glorious…even if she really should wipe the smile off her face.
Hmm…I may have to settle in for a repeat viewing of Denmark’s selection ASAP, having reminded myself of how super-duper awesome it was. Not that I particularly want to relive my beloved Simone and fellow Aussie Anja being beaten by a band I hadn’t even considered potential winners.
It still hurts SO BAD *sniff*.
But the pity party’s got to end sometime. Did you feast your eyes and ears on DMGP on the weekend? If so, I want to know what you thought of the performances and the results. Were Lighthouse X deserving champs in your opinion, or have Denmark just planted their feet firmly in the semis for the second year running? Who would have given the hosts of 2014 their best shot at another win on Swedish soil? Let me know below.
Until next time (a.k.a. Super Saturday #3!)…