EBJ PRESENTS…Would You Rather: The Eurovision Edition!

Greetings, fellow lovers of flags and key changes (providing there aren’t twenty of them in one song). Now that national final season is O-V-E-R over, we’ve arrived at that unsettlingly quiet period during which our forty Eurovision 2015 acts are barricaded in rehearsal rooms, not permitted to emerge again until they have to catch their flights to Vienna. Or, in The Makemakes’ case, until it’s time to stroll over to the Wiener Stadthalle for run-through numero uno.

Re-ranking and prediction-making aside, there aren’t a whole lot of ESC activities we can undertake at the moment, and it’s rather depressing. But fear not, because Jaz is here to save the day – if what will save the day is a (hopefully) entertaining, interactive ball of Eurovision fluff!

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the concept of Would You Rather, i.e. where you’re presented with two equally exciting or horrifying options/scenarios, and you have to sweat it out and choose which one you’d…well, rather. It’s pretty self-explanatory.

What Would You Rather is not – for the most part, in my experience – is Eurovision-themed, and I personally think that is wrong on an abundance of levels. So, with the intention of altering that shocking reality, I have come up with fifteen WYR questions on our favourite subject: the greatest show on Earth, besides Big Fat Gypsy Weddings.

You know what I’m talking about.

Some of these questions will be easy for you to answer; others may bring on an existential crisis. Either way, you’ll be able to see whether you’re in the majority or minority with your ‘rathers’, and you’ll probably be making some of these faces:

wyrf

So, pull yourself out of that post-NF season funk and get your game on! The Eurovision decisions are waiting to be made. This is really serious stuff, guys.

 
PS – I’ve justified my own choices under each WYR, so if you don’t want me to influence you, check those out after you’ve voted.

 

WHAT I’D RATHER: This is a tough one, but as I can only sing in the shower, or if someone’s drowning me out with a vuvuzela version of Waterloo, I’d have to go with the hosting duties. Grinning like Gianluca Bezzina on happy pills and saying ‘Europe, stop voting NOW!’, I can do.

 

Ell_and_Nikki_s_Fire_CurtainAnggun_s_Wind_Machine

WHAT I’D RATHER: Wind machine, every time. Nothing makes one feel quite so glamorous as having their mane of hair blown into their lip gloss.

 

WHAT I’D RATHER: If you need to be reminded of how hard it would be to fall asleep to either of these voices, check out Remedios here and Dustin here. I vote Dustin as the lesser of two evils. He has an Irish accent, and that’s never a (completely) bad thing.

 

WHAT I’D RATHER: Back to the future, baby! I’d be very curious to find out if Eurovision will eventually be hosted by C3PO and R2D2, and/or if Ralph Siegel has FINALLY realised his music is past its prime and stopped entering. Fingers crossed.

 

wyr2

WHAT I’D RATHER: I would feel so awkward being in a stadium by myself (bar the cameramen and floor crew, etc) I’d end up leaving before the hosts even finished saying ‘Good evening Europe!’. I’ll take the tiny stage, thanks.

 

WHAT I’D RATHER: Never hearing Lane Moje again isn’t an option, as far as I’m concerned.

 

WHAT I’D RATHER: Thinking along the lines of quality, not quantity, I’d go with one minute.

 

wyr3

WHAT I’D RATHER: The ballads…but by a margin smaller than San Marino’s chances of winning in Vienna.

 

WHAT I’D RATHER: Cher did it, Kanye West did it, Wil.i.am’s entire vocal range is due to it – ‘it’ being use of the good old vocoder. It is amusing to listen to (although I might not think so after 180 seconds of nothing but).

 

WHAT I’D RATHER: Seeing as my favourite, or one of, has finished last in the final on more than one occasion (Denmark 2002, Finland 2009, Norway 2012…I could go on) I’m accustomed to it. If that didn’t go hand in hand with my most despised entry taking out the contest, I could easily deal with the pain again.

 

WHAT I’D RATHER: Can I have both? No? I suppose that does defeat the purpose of this game. In that case, I’ll be Ursula to Pastora’s Ariel and take her voice for my own use. Gracias.

 

wyr4

WHAT I’D RATHER: Well, everyone finds farts funny, whereas I’m not sure the hosts or the millions of viewers watching on would appreciate the incompetence of two consecutive stuff-ups. Both scenarios are embarrassing, but I could laugh off the flatulence…or at least blame it on someone else.

 

WHAT I’D RATHER: Epic Sax Guy would be great for life’s highs (birthday parties, etc) and for getting me up and out of bed in the morning. But I’m not sure the sound of sax would suit when my grandma’s just died or I’ve found out that Valentina Monetta’s coming back to Eurovision, again.

 

Loreen_s_Crab_DanceKurt_Calleja_s_foot_swivel

WHAT I’D RATHER: I do enjoy that foot swivel, and it’s a less conspicuous dance move to be stuck with.

 

WHAT I’D RATHER: Milan’s bowl haircut would do me zero favours, so I’d take my chances on Rona’s wayward dreadlocks and unique taste in wearable materials (who says a bin liner and Plexiglas can’t combine to make a swanky evening gown?).

 

 
You’ll either be sorry or relieved to hear that I have no more Would You Rather questions in me today. If you enjoyed this post and would like a Volume II, and if you have any suggestions for ESC-themed dilemmas that could feature in it, let me know below!

Also, feel free to comment which question was the most torturous for you to answer, so I know just how evil I am at this point, and just how evil I should be if WYR Part 2 does materialise in the near future…

 
nsig

 

About Jaz

I'm Jaz, I'm 26, and I'm 110% Eurovision-OBSESSED. The contest is one big party, and I like to keep it going 365 days a year - that's why I write about anything and everything ESC on my blog. Come join the fun, and I promise you'll never have a nul-point experience! www.eurovisionbyjaz.com/

Posted on March 29, 2015, in Random Stuff and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. I’M BACK ❤
    I've not listened to the ESC 2015 songs since Montenegro debuted but that's about to change tomorrow! And this game of Would You Rather is a perfect welcoming back to the ESC fold. 😀

    1. I'd rather host it for sure. No one needs to be subjected to another Jemini.
    2. Wind machine. Why not accentuate my devilishly amazing hair to Europe and the world? 😛
    3. Remedios Amaya by a very wide margin. Dustin the Turkey is the embodiment of awful ESC junk.
    4. Back to 1956! I'd be too afraid to find out if ESC *makes* it to 2056. xD
    5. Please make me part of the 25,000 strong crowd. This question almost asks if you'd want to be in the Moscow arena alone or in the Oslo arena during the final. xDD
    6. As much as I loathe Dustin, I love "Kedvesem" more. ❤
    7. A one minute rule, because it's easier to write a good one minute jingle than an epic, ten minute long ode.
    8. Even though this is *so* out of nature for the ESC me, the PKN copycats, because that actually kinda aligns to what I listen to outside of ESC. Something that totally floats my boat would be bound to pop up eventually. xD
    9. I love "Divine" and Tellier's performance is iconic. More of that, please.
    10. I'd rather it be the runner-up, because that means other people liked it as much as me. Hell, it almost happened in 2014 (my 2nd was 2nd and lost to a mid-tabler).
    11. Let's fix the problem of question 1 and steal that voice.
    12. We don't need to bring bodily functions into the ESC voting. I'd rather pull a Lena (queen). ❤
    13. Epic Sax Guy would get old very quickly and be pretty one-dimensional, but Secret Garden would always sound mysterious. I'd opt for the latter.
    14. Loreen's crab dance is a showstopper.
    15. Considering I'm almost there, Milan's style wouldn't be too big of a departure from my own. 😛

    Like

    • YOU ARE BACK!!!!!!!!!! If it wasn’t for Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and whatever else, I would have thought the worst ;P

      I’ve re-listened to the Class of ’15 for the last time pre-Vienna, funnily enough. My abstinence started a few days ago. I intend to have at least six/seven weeks where I hear none of them, as usual. This is a habit of mine as I tend to get sick of songs quite easily and don’t want to risk that happening before the contest has even taken place! But I wish you luck and an enjoyable time ploughing through all forty for your reviews (and I can’t wait to read them).

      I am glad you got a kick out of this WYR!!

      1. If you could find the right key to start off with, you’d have gone one better than Jemini!! But I’m with you on the hosting. I feel like somehow, it’s less pressure. And having the power to get 1000s of people to cheer/applaud just by asking appeals to me greatly.

      2. Why not indeed? And you (presumably) wouldn’t have any sticky-lip-gloss troubles either.

      4. What are you implying, Nicholas? Eurovision never dies! Or is that hope? Or both? IDK…

      5. That’s pretty much it! But think the Oslo stage downsized even further. So small that the six-person rule is hardly relevant because six people can’t even fit on there unless there’s a mass piggyback situation going on.

      6. Well, Kedvesem trumps errythang, don’t it!! Not that it’s my all-time favourite, but not hearing that again either would be insufferable.

      7. Can you imagine the butt-related injuries caused by two semis and a final full of ten-minute tracks? It’d be like the mammoth Helsinki semi x100.

      9. I love Divine too, but three minutes of helium? I don’t know…although it might turn out remarkably similar to Cezar’s performance.

      11. So can we both steal Pastora’s voice and do a super weird Euro-duet? I’m in if you are.

      12. WHO says we don’t need to bring bodily functions into the voting? If Eric Saade can proclaim to Judith Rakers how bad he needs to pee during the voting, we may as well go one (or a hundred) steps further. #teamfart #neverthoughtidusethathashtag XD But Lena is queen. When she effed up it was adorable.

      13. Agreed, but Epic Sax Guy would be…well, epic, for when you get a pay rise or win the Lottery or have some other life triumph. I’d ideally like a combo of both.

      14. If you ever replicate le crab crawl, PLEASE video it and send it to me. I won’t laugh (too much) I promise. I just need to witness that. In return I may get mah best foot swivel on and send you the footage of that 😉

      15. You go, Glen Coco.

      Peace out, boy scout.

      Like

  2. Ahhh, I was diligently compiling/editing/rethinking my ESC 2015 rankings and you had to post this. Hell yeah I had to drop everything else!

    1. Who wouldn’t want to make like Petra? More face time and I could charm the audience for something like 56 hours and counting.
    2. As much as I love a good fire, one cannot pass up the wind machine. It’s a hallmark of the contest and more suited my pop star fantasies then the actual singing part. I’d opt for a cape or such billowing in the wind instead of my hair, which would be firmly braided or dread-locked.
    3. I had to look up Remedios and, umm, if pressed I’d go with her. Dustin makes me cringe just thinking of him.
    4. To the future just to see if the stage is flying by then too!
    5. I’ll take the massive stage and small, singular crowd. It’s more my style.
    6. I could make it for year if that’s what it takes. *inserts mouth guard as pre-emptive measure against grinding teeth*
    7. Uno minuto, because it’s all about quality.
    8. PKN copycats ’cause I’m an alternative kind of gal.
    9. The vocoder *puts mouth guard on stand by*
    10. Runner up because that is what happens anyway. Plus you feel justified knowing that so many others liked it as well.
    11. A tough call…I’d be more comfortable with the (what passes for my) dancing part even though Pastora is one of my all time favorites.
    12. I’d rather mess up because I know I could come with something witty and self-deprecating to gloss the miscue over.
    13. Epic Sax Guy!
    14. The foot swivel all the way and if it included playing footsies with Kurt, bonus! Great graphic, I can’t stop chuckling at Loreen speed up crab dance.
    15. Rona because I’d know where my hair was at all times and ditto on the bowl cut not doing any favors.

    Oh I’m sure you don’t need any more ideas on how to be evil in the future 😉

    Like

    • I’m with you on the cape concept. That eliminates the hair-in-lipgloss scenario from messing up one’s perfect performance. Are we thinking Mariette of Melfest here?? Some (more-traditional-than-Rona) dreadlocks pulled back? I personally would be partial to a Margaret Berger super-high braid to keep my locks at bay. #perhapsputtingtoomuchthoughtintothis

      EEEERELANDEH DOUZAH POINNNT!!! I don’t see what’s so cringe-worthy about th-oh. Okay. Yeah.

      If a flying stage is in Eurovision’s future, then maybe artists performing by hologram is too. If they have pressing engagements in their home countries that clash with the contest, they can just pop by in digital (?) form, do their thing for three minutes and then disappear a la Paula Seling in Copenhagen. That wasn’t quite a hologram, but close enough.

      I can see it now…you and Kurt, doing a synchronised foot swivel as your first dance as husband and wife!! That’s the stuff wedding fantasies are made of.

      That Loreen crab GIF was, is and always will be hilarious XD

      Like

  3. Ali Nella Houd

    So, I’m going to go a bit ‘old school’ on you again, Jazwina (you love it, I know), and point out that — given it’s first and foremost a ‘SONG’ contest (not a ‘performance’ contest), one of the ‘rathers’ should be whether you’d want a song that you yourself have WRITTEN and/or COMPOSED to be in the Final.

    I think that that experience and honour would, for me, be even more sublime than either performing or presenting the show — in which case writing/composing AND performing would of course really be the ultimate … although presenting on top of that would be a bit … weird. (Perhaps that’s what might happen in a North Korean song contest, with you-know-who getting all the limelight?! …)

    🙂

    Ali

    Like

    • Well, we had Zeljko Joksimovic try his best to do the hat trick of hosting, composing and performing in ’08, but in the end he couldn’t fit into Jelena’s dress. Bummer. He had to settle for 2 out of 3, poor guy.

      And lest we forget the awkwardness of Lena doing her ‘Satellite’ reprise in Düsseldorf, then swiftly heading backstage to prepare to represent Germany yet again. Weird.

      I get the feeling that if San Marino wins Eurovision at any point (this year, we can safely assume that’s not to be) Ralph Siegel will fight tooth and nail to host as well as compose and perform the host entry. What a horrible thought that is!

      Like

  4. … and here are my rather do’s (although some are very very tough!!!):

    1. I’d prefer to be your co-host for the Green room then; what Eric Saade did in Malmö, I will be able to manage, too. Oh, and I could translate the points into French for you, if you let me?!
    2.I’d “start a fire” on stage with a little pyromania, because wind machines only look good with girls having long hair and the perfect dress, not with guys (like André Hirsoux) ;-)! But my favorite element is water, so I guess i would jump into a water bassin on stage from up high or something.
    3. That one is easy: I’d prefer Remedios Amaya to the ‘Irish chicken’ to sing my lullaby, but I think both will cause bad dreams, if not a nightmare! Horrified …
    4. Of course, the future Eurovision in 2056 will be much more exciting, maybe in Australia then, who knows?!
    5. As I am a social human being I’d like to share these great moments with 25.000 other Eurovision fans, and take the tiny little stage as the lesser evil.
    6. That one is really tough: no way that I can hear “The one that I love” never again, so I must take a whole lot of “Dustin the Turkey” then, what really is a torture for me.
    7. I’d take the ten minute rule, because it makes the Eurovision even longer ;-), and I don’t know any good song that is just one minute long. They just stop then after the first verses.
    8. I’d rather take the copycats, because the other alternative would be much too depressing.
    Eurovision should be fun and not ‘a jump from the rooftop’!
    9. I’d take the vocoder, but just because I’d prefer the Olsen Brothers to Sebastien Tellier.
    10. I always want my favorite song to come as high as possible on the scoreboard, so I must take the runner-up to my least favorite, right?!
    11. I’d like to have Pastora’s powerful voice, because I already got the dance moves like Eric Saade (hahaha). And then, that voice is much more impressive than these dance moves.
    12. I’d screw up the announcement completely and start anew, because that is what I can do really good, it belongs to my strengths! 🙂
    13. The Epic Sax Guy, of course. I love songs with a saxophone in it, one of my favorite instruments!
    14. I take the Loreen dance moves, because they were really cool and good looking, not that the Kurt foot swivel wasn’t cool, too. But Loreen did it in a much more perfect way.
    15. A hair style like Milan Stankovic? Not in a million years, no way!!! I take the Rona Nishliu style and play the “Evil Queen” of Snowy White for the rest of my days. Please cover all the mirrors existing for me!

    I enjoyed your idea of “Would you rather” very much and would like to ask you:

    Would you rather do another one of these soon or will we get another of your awesome doppelgänger blogs in the near future? I have high hopes for the latter.

    Until next time and nice greetings,

    Wolfgang

    Like

    • A dynamic duo we shall be! I’ll get the crowd going and you can hold the Green Room fort and chat awkwardly with the artists. Now, to sit back and wait for somebody to ask us to do all of the above…

      If you ever get to Eurovision as a representative, I hope that water basin idea comes to life – or at least something like it! You could break new ground and sing your entire song underwater, too. Consider your options ;P

      By ‘the dance moves like Eric Saade’ do you mean you are constantly smashing windows/cabinets etc when you try to dance? Or is that just me?

      I would love to see you with a Rona wig on, complete with the escaping dreadlock! I’ve got to say, I wouldn’t mind rocking some of her crazy outfits every now and then. Even if most of them do give off those Evil Queen vibes. At least nobody would mess with you!

      I may do another WYR post in the future, but don’t worry – after Vienna, I’ll definitely be looking to do another doppelgänger post since I haven’t done one for aaaaages. I’ll dedicate it to you 😀

      Like

      • That was exactly what I meant with the “ES dance moves” ;-)! How did you know???

        So, to sum it up again: in my first minute as a representative I’ll jump into a water basin from up high and do a crazy underwater-performance, thinking of something like the box in Azerbaijan 2013 (to what song you will read in my next comment ;)!). During my second minute I do some dancing like Eric Saade wearing a ‘Rona’ wig (with the escaping dreadlock, bien sûr) while smashing the whole stage completely! Finally, I will do some extreme shouting with some yodeling (very much Austrian style!) in the third minute so that I’ll have the whole arena all for myself immediately. 😉
        Oh, and, of course, I come barefoot on stage and dressed in a white suit, what else?!
        How many points would that be worth in your opinion?! ;D

        YOUR job then would be, doing a little Jan Ola Sand, and manipulate the points of all the countries, so that I at least qualify to the final. Would you be so kind to help out here and do this for me? I count on you! Okay?!

        That would make a VERY dynamic Eurovision duo, not?

        I am already looking very much forward to your next doppelgänger blog; can’t wait to see it ;D! I feel deeply honoured by your dedication ;-).

        Nice greets and until next time,

        Wolfgang

        Like

        • Now THAT is a performance I would like to see! It has it all. A definite douze points from me XD

          Well, if you’re representing Germany, you wouldn’t need me to help get you to the final, but if you have to pull an Eduard Romanyuta and represent the first country that will have you, I am more than happy to do some point manipulation! An act like that should not be left behind in the semis!

          Like

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