Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! I realise it may not be evening at all when you’re reading this, but for the sake of the glamorous awards ceremony I’m trying to hold, can we pretend it is? Yes? Awesome. Welcome to the first episode of the EBJ Eurovision Excellence Awards for 2018!
Like Jessica Mauboy, I know…I know what you must be thinking. Namely, ‘Um, Eurovision awards season is over, isn’t it? Y U so late, Jaz?’. Well, FYI my too-late marker is when the official contest DVD comes out – so as long as I beat that release date, I reckon it’s all good. And that gives me another few weeks to get my awards over with, so I’m actually early when you think about it.
Maybe don’t think about it.
Anyway, I’m guessing you didn’t drop by for a discussion about my questionable timing. You came for the EBJEE artist and song gongs to be handed out, including a bunch of the People’s Choice Awards that you guys have been voting for all week, right? In that case, I won’t make you wait any longer. Let’s get this show on the road!
Winner Eleni Foureira Honourable Mention/s Elina Nechayeva, Franka
She does say she’s got the fire, and who am I to argue when Eleni is always putting her money where her (amazing) mouth (that I am super jealous of) is? Girl’s got plenty of other appealing attributes – she sings, she dances, she rolls with it when her comments become memes – but it’s her Mediterranean, top-to-toe, hot-as-heckness that’s most noticeable. I need hair, makeup and workout regime advice from Foureira ASAP, so I too can become fuego.
Winner Mikolas Josef Honourable Mention/s Cesár Sampson, Waylon
This might be a controversial call to make, but come on…who doesn’t love a hot nerd? Sure, Mikolas’ dorky persona is purely for onstage purposes, but I dig the guy with the glasses + braces just as much as the male model with 20/20 vision we see offstage. When you think about it, he’s like Superman switching into Clark Kent mode – only Mikolas uses his specs to tap into the geek chic trend (rather than to conceal a superhero alter ego). I have no problem with this.
Winner SuRie Honourable Mention/s Saara Aalto, Jessica Mauboy
Kicking off the People’s Choice Awards this year was the prize for most personable female performer, and I’m not at all disappointed that you guys chose SuRie. Who wouldn’t want to be her best friend? With that being unlikely (I haven’t seen a BFF advertisement anywhere) following her on Twitter is an easy way to bring some light into your life. She is hilarious. If we don’t see her at Eurovision solo again, let’s hope we see her giving Belgium more backup support in the future – she’s clearly their good luck charm!
Winner Cesár Sampson Honourable Mention/s Ari Oláfsson, Mikolas Josef
This one took me by surprise, I must say – Cesár did come across more reserved than Mikolas and less adorable than Ari (but who isn’t?). Still, he didn’t put a foot wrong with the media or fans in Lisbon, took part in some awesome jam sessions with other artists, and made friends with even more. Plus, like SuRie, his social media appeal is just as attractive as his face (I am currently living for his Instagram captions). Bonus: because he won this award I get to say…Hail Cesár!
Winner Jessica Mauboy Honourable Mention/s Alexander Rybak, DoReDos
Maybe you had your doubts about how well Jess carried off her (in particular, grand final) performance of We Got Love. I’d understand. But if you didn’t watch her on stage – in her element and clearly in her happy place – and feel some joy and enthusiasm yourself, then WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? I have no doubts that Miss Mauboy was meant to be a performer, and I could watch her singing, smiling and dancing so hard she gets whiplash all day long.
Winner Benjamin Ingrosso Honourable Mention/s Ari Oláfsson
He didn’t feel the love from the people in the actual contest (myself excluded…my fingers are still sore from frantically voting for Sweden) but Ingrosso tops the public vote here, and that’s an okay consolation prize. When it comes to 2018’s under-21 club, Benjamin out-scored and out-performed the other members by a mile, handling the pressures of the experience like someone who’s been in the spotlight for more than a decade should. Grattis!
Winner Crazy Honourable Mention/s Lie To Me
This award usually goes to a song that sounds a whole lot like another one, but not so much that it could be pinned down for plagiarism. Crazy wasn’t booted out of the ESC on that basis, but the fact is that the instrumentals of the song ARE the same ones used in a Romanian (arguably inferior) song released just prior to Franka’s. When the double-up was exposed, a chicken-or-egg debate followed – but the EBU decided Franka was good to go and wouldn’t be disqualified (even though she eventually was…from her semi!). All’s well that ends well, I guess.
Winner Czech Republic Honourable Mention/s Ireland, Slovenia
This trophy goes to the country that didn’t exactly make waves in Kyiv…but fast-forward 12 months to Lisbon, and they strutted in with a tsunami of awesome. Slotting into that scenario perfectly was the Czech Republic, who in the years PM (Pre-Mikolas) had only made the final once (in 2016, when they came last). Enter Josef (who Czech TV once wanted to send to Eurovision with My Turn…*shudder*) and the banger that is Lie To Me, and all of a sudden Czechia had Neville Longbottomed…right into 6th place, their best result ever. Let’s hope they can keep it up in Israel.
Winner A Matter of Time Honourable Mention/s Funny Girl, Stones
I have to say – and I do it as a former English major with a penchant for decent song lyrics – there was a ton of great wording to be heard in Lisbon, which ain’t the case with every contest. The lyricists of Sennek’s A Matter of Time (including Sennek herself) may have lacked the originality of my 2017 Best Lyrics winner JOWST, but they made up for it with sophisticated, mysterious and tightly-rhymed lyrics. My favourite line, FYI, has to be ‘Sometimes it seems we’re at the wrong station, looking for a deadly combination’. It’s macabre, and I love it.
Winner Who We Are Honourable Mention/s Our Choice, Toy
For the record, the only nominees here I mentally filed under ‘Worst’ rather than ‘Weirdest’ are Our Choice and Who We Are. I chose Who We Are over the Icelandic cheesefest because…well, need I say more than ‘It’s me Jenny B’? The most awful rap in music history was surrounded by lame lines, but the cringe factor in those thirty seconds alone could not be overshadowed. Props go to Jenifer for rapping such trash convincingly, but she deserves better.
Winner You Let Me Walk Alone Honourable Mention/s Non Mi Avete Fatto Niente
This is a very objective award – obviously, we’re all going to have different entries that we weren’t fans of at first but grew to appreciate later. My big one for 2018 came from Germany via Michael Schulte, who somehow won me over with his flawless, impassioned and well-staged performance in the final…despite me ranking YLMWA 40th of the 43 at one point. I should know by now that first impressions never last. I mean, I don’t even skip San Marino on shuffle now (!!!).
Winner Toy Honourable Mention/s Monsters, Tu Canción
Some fanwanks – songs that the devoted Eurofan community goes crazy like Croatia for, pre-contest – deliver in the end (á la Heroes) while others do not (á la Occidentali’s Karma). This year’s biggest fan favourite Toy, a song that had the potential to bomb even after winning the OGAE poll and topping the betting odds for months, ultimately did add another first to its collection. My way of congratulating Netta is to give her this award, because TBH I was convinced Israel 2018 would be to the scoreboard what Italy was last year – a fave that (slightly) flopped.
Winner Fuego Honourable Mention/s Dance You Off, Lie To Me
We had no shortage of butt-shaker songs this year (so expect 2019 to be bursting with ballads), but the one that had y’all burning the most calories was Cyprus’ Fuego, by the looks of it. This song now has a permanent place on my ESC party playlist, so I’m not about to question the tastes of my readers. I would question the sanity of anyone who can stay seated after Eleni’s first sultry mention of the song title though.
Winner Sweden Honourable Mention/s Czech Republic, Malta
Here’s another public-voted prize for Sweden to make me feel better about their TRAVESTY of a televote at Eurovision. I should clarify – and you’ll know this if you checked out my Best Video nominee playlist – the Dance You Off video nominated for this award was the original, pre-ESC version. But how cool is a) the new version, and b) the fact that we got two MVs from a country that often gives us zero? Watch the winning video below for a hit of slick retroness.
Winner My Lucky Day Honourable Mention/s Higher Ground, La Forza
Some songs come to life when performed live, despite sounding a little flat when coming out of a speaker. Thanks to the genius staging of My Lucky Day, a mediocre song became a mind-blowing musical number that deserved its top 10 place based on the degree of performance difficulty alone. I like this song so much more when I’m watching it than when I’m listening to it.
Winner Lost and Found Honourable Mention/s A Matter of Time, Forever
And then…there are the songs that just didn’t work live, because the staging was a fail, the singer wasn’t up the task, or the song was just better to hear than see. On those first and last counts, no other country belly-flopped harder than Macedonia. And what makes Lost and Found’s live disaster so much worse is that Eye Cue were armed with such awesome material to start with. Yeah, the song is messy, but messy in an interesting, unique way that could have been staged (and styled) to its advantage. Since it wasn’t, I’d much rather blast it in the car and pretend the performance never happened.
That’s all for now, folks – but what do you think of the 2018 EBJEEs so far? Did your favourites take home the People’s Choice Awards? Which artists and songs would score these trophies if you were handing them out? Let me know below – and stay tuned for the second EBJEE episode feat. all things performance-related!